Hallo Readers,

Last Friday, a Ryanair flight took off from Luton to Bratislava, a city on the banks of the Danube in Slovakia. Groom-to-be Joshua Mariner, 26, and eleven pals, the crème de la crème of Southampton society, were going there to get royally pissed on beer at £1 a pint. Ryanair let them board despite some of them being barely able to walk.  Once aloft, members of the group made lot of noise, standing in the aisles shouting and swearing. After about an hour, it all kicked off. One of them stripped from the waist down and waggled his willy like a helicopter. Two others got into an argument, ignored requests to calm down, abused each other and then traded boozy punches. At which point, the pilot diverted the plane to Berlin. German Polizei boarded the plane shouting “Raus, Raus, Englisher Schweinhunde” and marched six of the party off to the cells, there to contemplate fines of up to £20,000 each for disrupting the flight. Joshua and the remaining five continued on to Bratislava, doubtless to drink themselves into oblivion.  Given the guest list, Joshua’s fiancée Abi would be wise to give the March wedding a miss; but if she does venture down the aisle, she should insist on the event being teetotal. 

Josh is outraged that the German police wrongly named him as one of the six they detained and is threatening to sue for defamation. Whatever. He blames his two buddies for fighting (but not, apparently  the willy-waggler and his other loud, pissed mates) for what happened. But the many Joshuas of this world bear responsibility for this dismal state of affairs, where the idea is no longer just to have a good time but to get completely legless, which, whether planned or otherwise, inevitably leads to flashing and fisticuffs. This pack mentality behaviour (hen parties can be just as bad) is replicated in town centres all over the UK and in the various hell-hole holiday resorts across Spain, Greece and Cyprus to which these people repair, but at least you can choose to stay away. Cruising at 35,000 feet in a tin can, there is nowhere else to go.

When did it become alright to ignore everyone else’s right to enjoyment? When did it become alright to rotate your genitals on a crappy flight to a place you’d never previously heard of but which serves cheap beer? When did it become alright to be so crass, ignorant, rude and selfish?  Because in WTF’s book, it never did. These are the times when you are ashamed to be a Brit. Ryanair’s clientele has basically become like Conair, rat-arsed gangs getting more rat-arsed when on board. The airline should just fly planeloads of stags and hen parties around where they can fight each other in the sky whilst shouting out their seven-word vocabularies. Everyone else can go abroad without fear of groups of men in stupid teeshirts, shrieking women in tutus and wings, pathetic pugilism, assaults on their ear drums and potential willy-whip. Fasten your seat belt. WTF wishes you a pleasant flight.

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We are off to the Oscars to consider the detritus on show both on the Red Carpet and at various after-parties. We start with singer Pharrell Williams, pictured with his wife Helen Lasichanh (who looks lovely).

There was a time when Pharrell wore shorts with a DJ, so at least his trousers are gravitating slowly back down towards his ankles. That said, he looks like an idiot. And what happened to his jacket button?

Actress Rooney Mara, nominated for Best Supporting Actress in Carol,  wearing Givenchy.

This washes her out, like a dusty old Victorian night gown with an access hole for an emergency appendectomy. Extra minus points for the shoes with toe overhang.

Gucci designer Alessandro Michele (left), and Actor Jared Leto (right), both wearing Gucci.

Say hallo to Dumb and Dumber. Alessandro’s trousers are just terribly, terribly, terrible and his hair flops around his ears like an Afghan hound. Jared’s suit make him look like a hotel concierge. They both have silly velvet slippers. As for the rose tie, WTF confesses to a sneaking admiration for it. There.  I’ve said it.

Tennis champion Serena Williams wearing Galia Lahav.

There is nothing wrong with a white lace wedding dress. At a wedding. On the bride. There is a lot wrong with this peekaboo midriff thing, which suggests that Serena has been sawn in half and poorly reassembled.

Actor and comedian Orlando Jones wearing who knows what.

The jacket is made from cheap linoleum offcuts. Awful.

And now, the bloody models. Why the hell they are even at events like this WTF cannot say, but it gets right up her nose. First up, ubiquitous model Heidi Klum wearing Marchesa. 

WTF hates a one-sleeved dress almost above all things. This seems to have been modelled on Audrey Hepburn’s dress in My Fair Lady, down to the oversized corsage. 

But Audrey had (i) both sleeves (ii) her chest covered (iii) a fabulous hat and (iv) elegance. All of which are sadly lacking in this instance.

Then, model Miranda Kerr wearing Kaufmanfranco.

One word. Trashy. And four more. The top doesn’t fit.

And here’s Emily Ratajkowski wearing  Steven Khalil. In fairness to Emily, she has appeared in movies in minor roles.

Emily is ravishing but she appears to be standing in her swimsuit behind a shower curtain. Ridiculous.

Singer Gwen Stefani wearing Yanina Couture and her new beau, country singer Blake Shelton. 

Well, Blake made an effort. Not. Skanky old jeans, an un-ironed shirt and crocodile cowboy boots. Gwen, on the other hand, has come as Mena Suvari in American Beauty. This is not a compliment.

Actress Kerry Washington wearing – who else? – Versace.

Half Warrior Queen, half bed sheet. Nice earrings.

Singer Lady Gaga, nominated for Best Song, wearing Brandon Maxwell.

WTF hates conical tit covers nearly as much as she hates a one-sleeved dress. But her chief concern is the crotch, showcasing (as The Daily Mail would say), more camel-toe than in Laurence of Arabia. One fears that M’Lady will have a BEASTIE yeastie as a result.

Finally, we have “plus-size model” Ashley Graham wearing Bao Tranchi. “Plus size” means that you are not an emaciated twiglet. Ghastly Edwina Currie, Health Minister about 25 years ago, this week described Ashley as “obese”. This is absurd. WTF has no problem with Ashley’s body. It is what is covering her body that is in issue.

And here is a close up of what Ashley calls her “girls”.

WTF was watching E!‘s Oscars Red Carpet coverage at some Godforsaken hour of the morning  (in case you are wondering, E! stands for Excrescence!) and wondering whether prayer alone could wipe Ryan Seacrest off the face of the earth, when on came a panel of women to analyse the frocks. There was Guiliana Rancid, who hasn’t eaten anything since 2007, Kris Kardashian in an embossed housecoat from “Bal – Man”, some English woman whose name WTF did not catch in frilly Valentino and Ashley. Commentating on other people’s dresses…. WTF has a large TV, but it is not nearly large enough to accommodate those “girls”, cantilevered into a bra and protruding from a giant tit window. WTF shrieked so loudly that the whole of Islington probably woke up and dialled 999.  Those tits in that dress belong in the boudoir and not in WTF’s living room. Yurgle.

This week’s It’s Got to Go is (again) Arsene Wenger, manager of Arsenal Football Club. Ben from Bromley was first to communicate his displeasure at the Club’s fall from grace but his ire is shared by everyone else who supports the team, including WTF. Put simply, we are sick and tired of Arsene and his team. The team lacks any leadership, guts or aggression, desperately needs decent players (especially defenders) that never get bought and breaks your heart on a regular basis.  It hasn’t won the League for 12 years, has the highest ticket prices and Wenger is the fourth highest paid man in World Football (£8m). Ben has also had enough of the sight of a man paid £8m a year unable to zip up his giant padded coat. He’s Got to Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments rolling in, which WTF loves more than anything, and do not neglect your most excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

 Hallo Readers,

HERE IS ONE OF THOSE WARNINGS. DURING THE OPENING RANT! THERE IS A PICTURE OF WOMAN NAKED SAVE FOR STRATEGICALLY PLACED BLACKOUT STRIPS. AND NOT JUST ANY WOMAN. KIM KARDASHIAN!!! SO YOU ARE WARNED. IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO SEE HER BRAZILIAN-BUTT-FILLED BUTT, BUTT-NAKED, THEN SKIP DOWN A FEW PARAGRAPHS TO THE PICTURE OF RUPERT AND JERRY HALL. NOT THAT IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL ANY BETTER….

Last Tuesday was International Women’s Day. This Day is supposed to mark the progress that women have made and the progress that is still to be made, the commitment to root out discrimination and gender bias, the advance of women towards leadership and equality. How did Kim Kardashian mark the occasion? She marked it like this….

Now let us overlook the fact that this picture is about a year old and photoshopped to within an inch of its life. Let us overlook the fact that her breasts are fake and her face is fake and her Brazilian butt-filled-butt is fake. Instead, let us think, just for a moment, about what Kim and all those other stupid women, so-called celebrities, who stand there in front of the mirror, smartphone in hand, capturing their bodies to feature on social media, are actually saying about women. Some people may argue that this freedom to flaunt is all about empowerment. WTF does not agree. It is a retrograde step, suggesting that they have nothing else to offer. In some cases, they do have nothing else to offer but that is because they have not bothered to develop something to offer- or even worse, that they have something to offer but instead have hidden it behind the pout and the pubes.

They are saying that women are principally there to look good for, and to be available to, men. They are saying that having a flat stomach and a fat-filled arse is the acme of achievement. They are saying that dieting and exercise are not just a goal but all that matters. They are saying that education is irrelevant. They are saying that it is alright to be vacuous. They are saying that character means nothing. They are saying that dignity has no value. 53 years ago, Martin Luther King had a dream that his four little children would one day live in a nation where they would not be judged by the colour of their skin but by the content of their character. Equally, WTF has a dream that young women will one day live in a world where they will be judged not by their bodies but by the content of their character. Dream on….

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We turn to review of the week’s sartorial shockers. Some of you may think that taking the piss out of clothing is also putting appearance over character. Again, WTF disagrees. Too many people here look absurd because they have been conned by designers or stylists or because they have become fashion victims or because they just want to flash their wealth and person. And when they do, WTF is there to prick the bubble.

Let us start with the church blessing for the union of former model Jerry Hall, 59, and billionaire Rupert Murdoch, 84, otherwise known as Jerry and the Pacemaker. Here are the happy couple. The bride is wearing Vivienne Westwood and Roger Vivier shoes.

Oh Jerry! Everything was going so well from head to knee. The colour of the dress is very pretty and the sleeves delicate and flattering. But get to the patellas and it all goes tits up, ruched like a billowing sail. And whilst one can appreciate her wish not to tower over her new spouse, those hideous shoes (£545) were last seen on a Restoration fop. As for the groom, the jury is out on the issue of a man in a blue suit and brown shoes. Your thoughts please….

Also in attendance was photographer David Bailey.

WTF has no wish to be unkind to our senior citizens. She is no spring chicken herself. And, as you know, criticism is alien to her nature. But she has seen better dressed dossers. David appears to have made the short stroll from his cardboard box under Blackfriars Bridge straight to St Brides….

Here is pregnant model Chrissy Teigen, married to singer John Legend, flashing her bits as she goes out and about in New York.

Chrissy is lovely. The dress is lovely. The boots are lovely. Even the Eva Braun hairstyle is lovely. But she is giving us an Imminent Minge Moment….

This is Queen Latifah at the LA premiere of her new movie, Miracles from Heaven, wearing Escada.

It is a turquoise onesie with a mullet skirt. And it is very tight over the unmentionables. This falls within the category of Call for the Canesten……

To Paris Fashion Week (Ready To Wear) and the ineffable Anna dello Russo  wearing Versace.

It’s a bit early for Halloween, isn’t it? WTF has taken particular exception to that giant tongue thing over Anna’s lady parts. Yurgle.

Next up we have Venezuelan model Enrique Palacios, wearing Dolce & Gabbana.

Paris, je t’aime. Mais je n’aime pas this maroon and peach über-shiny bandleader’s DJ coupled, inexplicably, with artfully distressed jeans. There was a lot of that about this week, as we shall see later.

Of course, there has to be a model wearing sheer. In this case, Lily Donaldson wearing Balmain.

See-through lace trousers over a swimsuit. With ruffles. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!

Then we have singer and actress Selena Gomez emerging from her hotel, wearing not nearly enough.

Pigalle is that way, love.

And her toes must be SO cold. Not to mention her chest. No, actually WTF has to mention the chest. There is too much of it on show. And too little skirt.

Finally, here is the perfectly ridiculous Kanye West, Kim Kardashian’s rapper husband, wearing customised St Laurent jeans. Customised by him, that is.

Here’s the thing, Readers. Those jeans must be a veritable wind tunnel. If you are going to wear jeans, why then rip them to shit so that there is no point in wearing them at all? And if you are going to rip your jeans to shit so that there is no point in wearing them at all, why spend £550 on a pair of St Laurent distressed jeans? I mean, why not buy a pair of cheap ones from the ASDA bargain basket? It is like buying a Hermès handbag and then painting a silly picture on it….oh hang on. That was Kim’s Christmas present from him two years ago. No wonder he says he is $53m in debt.

This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Johann who takes great exception to every story about paedophilia being illustrated by pictures of Jimmy Savile. Johann points out that everyone knows what the revolting old pervert looked like. We do not need to be reminded what he looked like. His hundreds of victims certainly remember what he looked like. Everybody remembers what he looked like. They would rather forget. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments rolling in, which WTF loves more than anything, and do not neglect your most excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

This week brings you another story of young men and women behaving badly. You may recall that a few weeks ago, six oiks on a stag party were forcibly removed from a Ryanair flight which had been diverted to Berlin. They were ferociously pissed. They effed and blinded and two resorted to fisticuffs. One stripped off and waggled his willy like a helicopter. Everyone, WTF included, was appalled. Fast forward now to the Cheltenham Festival in the glorious Cotswolds, where horsey types gather for a week’s racing. Up on an exclusive balcony are a bunch of male footballers and female “reality stars”. (The term “reality star” is an oxymoron, like “Arsenal striker”). Be that howsoever it may be, drink was taken and one of the players, MK Don’s Samir Carruthers, was captured on camera urinating into a glass. His mate, Northampton Town’s Jamie Collins, followed into another glass before emptying its contents over the railings onto the ground below – which was also captured on camera. In medieval times, when there was no indoor plumbing, citizens would empty their waste buckets into the street with the shout of “Gardyloo”, derived from the French “garde a l’eau” or “mind the water” Jamie gave no such warning and who knows who was walking underneath… probably the same photographers who caught a glimpse of the “reality stars” exposing their nipples. That, sadly, is the reality of what reality stars do.

Both men apologised. Samir, who also should have apologised for wearing a stupid baker’s boy cap, said “It’s not something that should be laughed about [and] it’s not an example that I should be giving to kids either. I’m meant to be a role model.” Now WTF has never had the pleasure of visiting Milton Keynes and does not wish to offend its citizens. However, she would probably be safe in suggesting that MK Dons is a big deal locally and Samir is a household name there rather than just in his own household. Ditto James in Northampton. But a role model? Really? Why would any thick-as-double-dogshit footballer, whether he plays for MK Dons or Manchester United, Northampton or Norwich, be a role model? What roles are they modelling? Earning a fortune for a few hours work? (Even Samir earns £2K a week). Rolling around feigning injury in games as if both legs have been broken, only to spring up seconds later and run around like a spring chicken? Driving flashy and stupidly expensive cars? Wearing silly clothes? Screwing all manner of willing females? The lifestyle may be an aspiration to others, not to mention the jiggy-jiggy on tap. Their footballing skills prompt joy and despair in equal measure. They may even get lucrative advertising contracts for hair products and deodorant. But that does not make them role models. That makes them marketable.  “Role model” is a term invented by the tabloids to justify running salacious stories about celebrities’ nether regions, whether micturating or making the beast with two backs. It is a myth. Meanwhile, if any racecourse ever admits Samir and Jamie, (Cheltenham has banned them) they would be well-advised either to drink less or to wear incontinence pants. Or both.

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We start our review of Red Carpet rubbish with Kanye West’s former paramour Amber Rose. Brace yourselves….

Yurgle. She probably needed two limos, one for the tits and one for the rest of her. The halter-neck harness has its work cut out and could do with being reinforced by a couple of steel girders. Amber gave a recent interview to Vanity Fair bemoaning the fact that she is always described as a former stripper whereas actor Channing Tatum, also a former stripper, is not. Amber, sweetie, the point is that you are a former everything…former stripper, former girlfriend, former wife. You do not actually do anything. Fact.

We are now at the White House and a State Dinner for Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Amongst the guests were actors Ryan Reynolds, wearing Burberry (and very nice he looks) and his wife Blake Lively, wearing Ralph & Russo.

Blake is wearing a dressing gown. It is a very nice dressing gown, or would have been had someone not taken a pair of scissors to the shoulders, but it is a dressing gown nonetheless. At the White House! At a State Dinner!

Say hallo to singer Toni Braxton wearing Charbel Zoe.

Regular Readers will know that WTF hates an exposed bellybutton almost above all things and still more so where a dress has a little bellybuttonhole, the better to show it off.

Here is actor Ansel Elgort wearing Prada at the premiere of his new movie, Allegiant.

He is right to look miserable as his outfit is truly tragic. WTF has featured Ansel before and he appears to have a predilection for short, ill-fitting jackets that look like his mother has washed them at the wrong temperature. This one has a ridiculous doily sewn into the collar and a matching hankie, worn with clashing trousers and clumpy shoes, sort of Little Lord Fauntleroy gets detention. Write out “I look like a twat” 1,000 times. And then sack the stylist.

Actress Zoe Kravitz was also there, wearing Valentino. Valentino!

We have seen this fishnet nonsense before, but not from Valentino. Those hanging things appear to be rotting seaweed caught in the apertures. But WTF’s chief fascination is with that thing on Zoe’s head, like an elephant turd when it has binged out on twigs and branches.

We now consider the insufferable Gwyneth Paltrow wearing Emilia Wickstead. 

Gwynnie has an enviable figure but this body and matching trousers are, ahem, unflattering, as the side view demonstrates. (She is taking to Rosie Huntingdon-Whiteley, who looks nice).

Has Gwynnie come dressed as an gynaecological Easter bunny? Or is she going fencing? The body under the trousers makes her look as if she is wearing a nappy  and the trousers are 6 inches too long and designed for someone on stilts.

We now encounter a newcomer to these pages, actress Rebecca Olejniczak at the 5th Annual Lany Entertainment Mixer in St Felix, Hollywood.

There needs to be more dress and less Rebecca. And she seems to have overdone it in the sunshine so that her chest is redder than a Santa Monica sunset. Were she to wear this again, it would be a good idea NOT TO BEND OVER OR MOVE HER ARMS ABOUT for fear of spilth.

Finally, it is Jennifer Lopez, again, this time wearing Faustino Puglisi for an episode on American Idol. Isn’t that supposed to be a family show?

You know when people say “there’s no side to her?” In Jennifer’s case, this turns out to be wholly true.

Or should that be holey true? Anna dello Russo pitched up at Paris Fashion Week in 2012 wearing something very similar by the same designer and he is still churning out the same design four years on, basically a romper with a small amount of badly hemmed skirt and a double helping of tit and torso. It is time for both Faustino and Jennifer to move on. Preferably out of sight.

This week’s It’s Got to Go is Brooklyn Beckham. the eldest son of David and Victoria Beckham. He is bloody everywhere. Apparently, he is already A list. He has modelled for Burberry. He got a gig as a photographer on a magazine shoot. Stories of girlfriends, or whether he might have one, or have finished with one, fill columns. And the thing is, he is 17 without discernible talent and who is famous because his parents are. He has only just got rid of his bum fluff. Come back when you have actually achieved something for yourself.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments rolling in, which WTF loves more than anything, and do not neglect your most excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

As Lady Bracknell nearly said, to fuck up one Budget may be regarded as a misfortune; to fuck up two, looks like carelessness. To fuck up a third is taking the piss. And what a mess George Osborne has made of this budget. The Omnishambles budget of 2012 was roundly derided, with the top rate of tax cut from 50% to 45% whilst freezing personal allowances for pensioners. Last July, Osborne delivered his first Truly Tory Budget and it turned out to be a stinker. At first it looked good – the introduction of the National Living Wage rising to £9 20 an hour by 2020. That is, if you had a job. And if your job guaranteed you work, as opposed to a zero hours contract. But then it turned out that this was all smoke and mirrors. Rather than being better off, 3 million families stood to lose thousands of pounds a year through cuts to working tax credits, a cut which, by the way, Cameron, when campaigning for re-election, promised would not be made. Meanwhile, the inheritance tax threshold rose to £1m. There was uproar. Tory MPs were besieged by outraged constituents. Various backbenchers spoke up bravely in the House. To its credit, the House of Lords told Osborne to shove his Budget where the sun don’t shine and sent it back to the Commons. At which point Osborne found £4bn in his other trousers, you know, the way you do, and the cuts were ignominiously shelved.

This month Osborne tried again, introducing another Budget. The axe was to fall upon the disabled with cuts of up to – yes, you guessed it – £4.4bn. Well the money for those tax cuts and inheritance tax thresholds has to come from somewhere. It is only right and proper that the least privileged in our society should pay for the most privileged. Then a very strange thing happened. Iain Duncan-Smith, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, suddenly had a fit of the vapours and resigned, citing his opposition to the very cuts that he had assiduously lobbied backbenchers to support only days earlier. This of course is the same IDS who introduced the Bedroom Tax by which those on benefits with a spare bedroom suffer a deduction for the empty room. Even if they need it.

WTF does not intend to waste time on IDS. He is a weasel. He resigned because he hates Osborne, is anti-Europe and wants to campaign for Brexit. The idea that he is appalled by the proposed cuts is risible. But in his favour, his resignation propelled Osborne headfirst into the slurry pit. Within days, the proposed cuts had vanished along with his bid to succeed Cameron. He conceded that the cuts had been a mistake, although he refused to apologise. So now that £4.4bn deficit is back. Better check those other trousers again, poppet.

What is so unutterably offensive is the total arrogance of Cameron and Osborne, these two posh, trust-fund boys, who simply do not, cannot, understand the hardships and deprivations of ordinary people, poor people, disabled people. Yes, Cameron had a disabled son, who sadly died very young, and that was awful. But there was never any danger of Ivan or his parents going without. What this Budget, like the last Budget, and the 2012 Budget, and all the other Budgets, have shown is that the agenda of this Government has been to favour the rich at the expense of the poor. So which group is set to suffer next?

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We cheer ourselves up with a dip into the week’s sartorial sluicebucket. Let us start with Michelle Monaghan, wearing Stella McCartney at the premiere of her new movie, The Path.

Why is Michelle dressed as the animal from Maggie and the Ferocious Beast? And those mega-lobe earrings are really not helping.

Next, we have actress Melissa McCarthy wearing her own design at the Sydney premiere of her new movie, Boss.

OK let us get this straight. Were Melissa a size 4, WTF would still hate this frightful flowerfest because there is no excuse for going around looking like a two-legged sofa. WTF also has a marked antipathy to invisible feet.

To The Daily Row’s Fashion Los Angeles Awards where nonsense was all around, starting with Lady Gaga wearing St. Laurent.

So we had Melissa without feet (although at least she was spared these horrific shoes) and now we have M’Lady without hands. Instead, the hospital prosthetics department has given her a pair of pompoms. Tricky.

Here is Jeremy Scott wearing, er, Jeremy Scott.

What a pillock! It is about time that we were spared the sight of Jeremy’s over-waxed chest. This suit makes him look awfully stumpy. Wasn’t Stumpy one of the Seven Persons of Restricted Growth?

Also there was model Gigi Hadid wearing Yanina Couture with a La Perla bodysuit. And knickers underneath the bodysuit.

This is sort of Beth Tweddle meets Caspar the Friendly Ghost and it is very, very silly. There are also visible panties below the bodysuit. You never got to see Caspar’s panties, did you?.

To London and BBC presenter Brenda Emmanus. WTF has no idea what she is wearing. None whatsoever…..

This is a very remarkable and ridiculous garment. There is a torso is made of giant Polo mints emerging from a bear’s arse. It is a tribute to her professionalism that she continues to maintain that beaming smile.

Finally, a sight of shocking shockingness. This is Empire actress Ta’Rhonda Jones. It is not what she is wearing that is in issue. It is how much there is on show underneath it….. Take a deep breath now. Your eyeballs are about to pop.

There are many things WTF would like never to have happened. Mosquitos. Baked beans. Donald Trump. And Angelina’s preposterous Oscars’ pose, since when every woman on the Red Carpet has felt the need to stick out her thigh, thin or tubby, at an angle previously achieved only by contortionists and people in bad road accidents. Like Ta’Rhonda here. Worse, however, are the globular tits, as round and shiny as a couple of canteloupes. They defy gravity. Somewhere in Heaven, Sir Isaac Newton is sobbing quietly…

This week’s It’s Got To Go  is in fact He Had to Go. I refer to bigoted old fart, Raymond Moore, 69, a former tennis player and now the organiser of the Indian Wells tennis tournament in California. This week, Moore said of the Women’s Tennis Association, “..in my next life, when I come back, I want to be someone in the WTA because they ride on the coattails of the men….They don’t make any decisions, and they are lucky. They are very, very lucky. If I was a lady player, I’d go down every night on my knees and thank God that Roger Federer and Rafa Nadal were born because they have carried this sport. They really have.” What absolute drivel. Many people prefer the beauty of the women’s game to the wham-bam-thank-you-Ma’am stuff of the men’s game. Serena Williams riding on a man’s coattails? I think not. He Had  To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments rolling in. There were sparse last week and you know how WTF frets when that happens. And don’t forget your top suggestions for It’s Got To Go. There won’t be a blog next week as WTF will be out and about. But she will be back with a vengeance on 5 April. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

This week, the press has been full of the usual celeb shagging nonsense. A has been nobbing B. C has been sexting D. Blah, blah. One story about a ghastly TV presenter, his boring wife and a glamour model has occupied The Sun for days. But it appears that the newspapers may have sat upon an extraordinary story and for purely selfish reasons. Read on.

Last weekend, byline.com, a crowd-funded journalistic website, alleged that the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, John Whittingdale MP, had enjoyed a year-long relationship with a dominatrix called Olivia King. Whittingdale, who is divorced, is one of those florid-faced Tories who could be any age between 45 and 65 but is in fact 56. King is much his junior and is usually pictured in black leather and a great deal of glossy lipstick. The lovebirds have been photographed together hand-in-hand and she accompanied him to the MTV awards in Amsterdam. As WTF remarked on @WTF_EEK, this is rather like taking coals to Newcastle, but there you are. Whittingdale is also alleged to have taken King  to the House of Commons for a New Year’s Eve Party. One MP is quoted as saying that he knew she was a prostitute and when asked how he knew, he replied it was because she handed out her business cards. Whoops.

Now there will be some who say that if the story is true, Whittingdale is entitled to do as he likes and he did nothing illegal. As friend Tony remarked, “If he wants to go home after a boring day and get a slap around the chops from a bird with big boobs, so what?”. WTF does not share that view. If true, she would find it wrong that someone who opposes sexual freedom for others (he has consistently voted against gay rights and same sex marriage and for the old section 28, prohibiting promotion of homosexuality) would be happy to keep company with a dominatrix, at least unaccompanied by a public declaration of his own tastes. Nor is WTF in favour of prostitution, which reduces someone, be they male or female, to a commodity to be bought and sold for other people’s pleasure.

The public have hitherto not heard these allegations. The late, lamented Independent was going to publish a story but the Editor spiked it without explaining why.  Various tabloids have kept quiet, even since the story broke and has been widely discussed on Twitter. Why? Surely there could be no correlation between their silence and the fact that Whittingdale holds the key to section 40 of the Crime and Courts Act 2013? This was set up as a cheap alternative to costly libel trials by operating a sort of arbitration system – publishers who refused to agree to the procedure would have to pay the costs of a libel trial whether they won or lost. So far, Whittingdale has failed to introduce it and only yesterday Hacked Off have been complaining about it. Has the Press decided to keep on his good side and not poke the sleeping lion, as it were, in order to price ordinary libel litigants, the people Cameron promised to help post-Leveson, out of the market? Has the BBC, which is under attack from Whittingdale over the licence fee, kept quiet to save its skin? And if any of that is true, Readers, that really would be a scandal.

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We begin our review of the week’s sartorial shockingness with little wiener Justin Bieber, looking preposterous at the iHeart Radio Awards. 

The good news is that Justin’s crotch is not nestling around his knees, where it is usually to be seen. The bad news is that he still looks like a pillock. It is too styled-so-as-not-to-seem-styled, from the ripped denim to the hockey shirt to the bleached dreadlocks. This is not an issue of cultural appropriation. He just looks silly.

This man is also looking daft – American DJ Elvis Duran wearing DSquared2. 

The suit is made from one of the nastier patterned leftover duvet covers in the Old Navy rummage basket. 

This is singer Natasha Bedingfield at, wait for it, the UCLA Institute of the Environment and Sustainability Celebrates the Champions of Our Planet’s Future. Really. They must need an invitation the size of a coffee table just to accommodate the event title. Think of the postage costs. Not to mention all those dead trees.

No one has owned up to designing this dress and is it any wonder? The bra looks like a couple of sequinned manhole covers, the slip is ugly and her pose is ridiculous. As for the sandals, WTF prefers not to speak of them.

Here is billionaire fashion victim James Goldstein out and about. He only wears designer so someone in Paris or Milan is taking the piss. Big time.

Yurgle! He looks like a superannuated Suzi Quattro. His hair is an It’s Got To Go all in its own…..

To the American Country Music Awards, always a rich source of revolting outfits. This is US TV personality Savannah Chrisley, wearing Amato Couture.

There always has to be a sheer dress with a Minge Moment at one of these events and here it is, compete with silver merkin. Please make it stop.

And perennial offender Katy Perry was also there, wearing Jeremy Scott Couture. 

Katy performed with Dolly Parton but that does not mean that she has to dress like her. Frankly, even Dolly would baulk at those Lady-Penelope-goes -t0-the-Rodeo boots. Yee haw!

Next up we have gorgeous actress Elizabeth Debicki, star of the splendid series The Night Manager, wearing Danish designer YDE.

Even someone as beautiful as Elizabeth cannot convince us that tiers of fishnet covered in randomly-placed mould spores look good. Because they just don’t. Not even at all.

Meet singer Mutya Bueno, late of the Sugarbabes. Whatever she is wearing, there needs to be more of it.

Oh dear Lord. Quite apart from the fact that she has more tattoos than Popeye, this top-and-tiny-shorts combo is unflattering and there seems to be more material in the belt than the rest of it.

Now we have TV personage and Adidas model Kylie Jenner wearing Balmain.

Oh for Goodness’ sake. If a sack of potatoes had tits and went shopping, this is what it would look like.

Yikes! This gruesome twosome are Brazilian model and “Pet Adoption Advocate”, Ana Braga  (left) and our old friend, actress Phoebe Price.

What the buggery bollocks is a “Pet Adoption Advocate”? The doggie is the best dressed of the bunch. The other two are showing us their all, not that we want to see it, and appear to be indicating they have a certain prowess in…well, you know. With luck, the doggie did a wee-wee over both of them.

Another long-term favourite, rapper Lil’ Kim wearing Angell Brinks.

This is, to say the least, schizophrenic. There is a high neck and a puritan collar on a sheer dress with an abundance of thigh. As for Lil’ Kim’s face, stand her under hot lights and she will slowly melt away…..

Finally, we encounter singer Gwen Stefani wearing Heaven knows what at the Saturday Night Live after-party.

And the rear view  – literally

Sigh. That ruffle looks like a leftover Halloween decoration but the whole outfit is a nightmare. Her bum is great but that does not mean that she needs to expose it. Just saying…. 

This week’s It’s Got to Go is Madonna and her ongoing quest to regain custody of Rocco, 15, her son by ex-husband Guy Ritchie. Rocco is refusing to return to New York to live with his ghastly mother, that is when she is actually at home and not turning up 4 hours late for concerts across the globe. Rocco has worked out that the only person who really matters to Madonna is Madonna. As evidenced by the quote from one of her spokesman – “She has been exercising every day to make sure she is in perfect health for when they meet.” As you do…..

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments rolling in. WTF, like half of Middle England, is very traumatised by The Archers and needs to be cheered up. And don’t forget your top suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

Hallo Readers,

The older ones amongst you will recall horrible crook Leona Helmsley. In the 1970’s and 1980’s, Helmsley, known as “The Queen of Mean”, was a property and hotel tycoon with a marked aversion to paying bills. This aversion also extended to paying Federal taxes and in 1989, she found herself in court on charges of tax evasion, fraud and all sorts. Her housekeeper told the Court that Helmsley had said scornfully “We don’t pay taxes. Only little people pay taxes”.  She went to prison, although not for long enough.

Fast forward to 2016 and the scandal that is the Panama Papers. Panama is a craphole that exists for the sole purposes of tax avoidance and dodgy shipping. A firm of attorneys there had their computer hacked and names poured forth into the public domain like pus from an abcess. The King of Saudi Arabia. Vladimir Putin. The Presidents of Argentina, UAE and Ukraine. The present Prime Minister of Iceland. The former Prime Ministers of Moldova, Italy, Georgia, Iraq and Qatar. Footballers like Michel Platini and Lionel Messi. And, somewhere down the list, Blairmore, a company set up by the late Ian Cameron, father of Call Me Dave, our own Glorious Leader.

There followed a week in which Call Me Dave wriggled more than a sackful of eels tickled with giant vibrators. He wouldn’t say whether he had money offshore or income from money offshore as it was a private matter. He didn’t have money offshore or income from money offshore. His wife, his children and his goldfish didn’t have money offshore or income from money offshore. He, his wife, his children and and his goldfish would never, ever in the future have money offshore or income from money offshore. Finally, he had had income from money offshore but he paid tax on it and it is all over now and he will never do it again. If this is an example of his prowess as a PR man, he would be well advised to find another line of work when Boris Johnson kicks his sorry arse out of Downing Street come June.

As a result, we now have the spectacle of politicians falling over themselves to publish their tax returns in a bid to show how law abiding and transparent they are. And in the middle of all this, it was disclosed this week that Mrs Cameron has a stylist who is paid up to £53,000 a year. By us. Rosie Lyburn, 28, a former model, has the title Special Adviser to Samantha Cameron with the onerous duties of putting Sam into Hussein Chalayan and Erdem with the seasonal dash into Marks & Spencer and Next come party conferences, election campaigns and trips to Cornwall and Lanzarote, there to mingle with the hoi polloi. There is no official position of First Lady here. Sam is not Michelle Obama with official duties. And she is richer than Croesus and has a consultancy with Smythson of Bond Street. But we are paying for some posh bird to put her in swirly, migraine-inducing Erdem.

The air of entitlement pervading the Establishment means that why pay if you don’t have to? Let some other bugger do it. Yes, Osborne declared his income from the family business but the family business had paid no corporation tax for 7 years.  Yes, Cameron paid tax on Blairmore shares, but why were those shares in a Panamanian company to start with? Now Sam has her own Frock Adviser. On us. Pay your own way in life? Only little people do that…..

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To the week’s sartorial slurry, starting with actress Bella Thorne (l), seen here with sister Dani, walking through Miami Airport

Bella went straight from the beach to the airport. It was only after she had checked in her luggage that she realised that she was still in her swimsuit with nothing to wear other than the harlequin trousers, bought for a fancy dress party, in her handbag. This whole getup puts one in mind of the ringmaster’s outfit Joe Pesci had to wear to court in My Cousin Vinny when his suit fell in the mud and the town’s only clothing store got the ‘flu.

To the MTV Movie Awards and a duo of pink outfits of great vileness, starting with Internet sensation Baddie Winkle, 87.

She’s 87 and doesn’t give a stuff. That, however, is no excuse for going about dressed as the lovechild of Jimmy Savile and Dame Barbara Cartland.

Then there was singer Halsey wearing Idan Cohen.

WTF has never been a fan of encrusted tits. Particularly when the encrustations are so ill-fitting. Was Halsey on the beach with Bella?

Also in attendance, although not in pink, was rapper Macklemore, né Ben Haggerty.

Macklemore is playing King of the Jungle in his mum’s curtains. Let us hope he returned them afterwards.

This is country singer Carrie Underwood on American Idol wearing Yanina Couture.

If an ostrich got into a fight with Wladimir Klitschko, this is what it would look like.

This woman could have been First Lady come January 2017. I refer to Ivana Trump.

Czech-born Ivana, 67, was married to Donald Trump two wives back. She recently expressed the view that the United States needs immigrants “who come here legally” to “vacuum our living rooms” and “clean up after us.” Her political judgment is as poor as her dress sense and it seems that she has covered herself in glue, rolled about in grit and called it a dress. There also comes a time when bare legs no longer look good. Like about 15 years ago…..

To the “Black Girls Rock” and singer Jazmine Sullivan.

The girl has a great voice but the combination of tits and cameltoe is hitting a bum note whilst the mosquito net around her waist is superfluous, not to mention ridiculous.

Say hallo to WTF’s favourite Z lister, Lizzie Cundy, wearing CC Couture by Claudia Croazzo at the Asian Awards.

Yes, you did read that right. The Asian Awards. Exactly the event not to wear an embroidered sheer sheath over a white thong. But then Lizzie was never one for cultural sensitivity. As the rear view demonstrates….

Lizzie, here is the news. No one, of any ethnicity, wants to see your arse. Or, for that matter, your front. Or, since we are on the subject, you. Just go away.

WTF had thought that Lizzie would be the worst this week until she saw actress Hailee Steinfeld, wearing Rodarte.

WTF’s screech could be heard in LA, where Hailee was showcasing what looked like (but, in fact, was not, as she wore flesh-coloured panties) a full Brazilian Moment. What happened to the rest of the outfit is anyone’s guess. Putrid. And that, Readers, is being generous.

This week’s It’s Got To Go has been nominated by Schona of West London and, under separate cover, Sian from South East London, both of whom are up in arms about Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Hunt, aka Jeremy C**t. He is currently antagonising junior doctors into full strike action. In particular, Schona and Sian are furious that the new working arrangements for junior doctors and which are to be imposed unilaterally are discriminatory to women. Schona says she can barely mention the subject without cursing but this issue is the rancid icing on the cake. It is discriminatory but C**t claims that it can be “comfortably justified”.  So that’s all right then.  He’s Got to Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments rolling in because they cheer WTF up and she absolutely needs cheering up at the moment, trust me. And don’t forget your top suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good  x

Hallo Readers, 

Bob Stewart MP, 66, is a former British Army Colonel and was a United Nations Commander in Bosnia. WTF was an ardent fan of Bob, with his turquoise beret set an a jaunty angle and his propensity to tell murdering Serbs to fuck off.  So it was a huge disappointment to learn that he approached respected political columnist Isabel Hardman in the House of Commons lobby exclaiming “I want to talk to the totty.” Hardman, 29, was understandably taken aback, as was her male colleague who told Bob where to go. Hardman then tweeted about the incident, without naming our gallant war hero, and complained to the Tory Whips Office, who forced Bob to apologise. However The Sun, that bastion of feminist propriety, outed him. Bob was not bothered and declared that he was not a fan of political correctness. Yes, we gathered that….

Predictably Hardman, and not Bob, got the blame. Isabel Oakeshott is a former political editor of The Sunday Times until she was lured away to co-author Cameron’s unauthorised biography and introduce us to Piggate.  She now writes for, surprise, surprise, The Daily Mail. Isabel 2 stuck the knife into Isabel 1 with the words “Strong women don’t need to whine”.  Worse was to come. On Wednesday, Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour featured a debate between Laura Bates, the founder of Everyday Sexism, and the former MP and relentless self-publicist Edwina Currie. Currie maintained that Hardman “should have too much else to do than to fret about an elderly male MP who was paying her a compliment”. Currie went to say that women should recognise a compliment from “very nice people who want to make a pass at you and if you are a good looking girl, make the most of it, because the time will come when you won’t be a good looking girl”. There was nothing wrong with men liking “young good looking women who make the place look better”. Whereupon WTF started throwing things at the radio and shouting imprecations. And she was not alone.

When women complain about being denigrated and treated as things, not people, they are abused as humourless, frigid, politically correct or feminazis. Or all of the above. They should apparently accept sexism as a compliment and blush prettily when a man bestows the light of his presence upon her. Here’s the thing, Readers. A woman is entitled to do her job without being reduced to something to be leered by a man old enough to be her father. Being called “totty” is not a compliment any more than being wolf-whistled by artisans with their hairy bum-cracks on display is a compliment. And she is entitled to say so. For too long, bad behaviour has been brushed off as “banter”. “Banter”  is only “banter” when both sides find it funny. And we are not laughing….

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Let us start our weekly dip into the clothing cesspool with lovely actress Cate Blanchett wearing Louis Vuitton.

The strobing is bad but not as bad as the Mickey-Mouse-ears tit covers. An outraged @gazaboatconvoy was onto this straight away, asking the question to which we all want the answer – WTF?

Here are thespians Norman Reedus and Diane Kruger at the premiere of their new film Sky. She is wearing Cushnie & Ochs.

In the words of Joe Jackson, Is She Really Going Out With Him? These two are supposed to be dating. And she was with gorgeous Joshua Jackson from The Affair like, forever. Norman’s hair is a public scandal, his suit does not fit and his tie is askew. He does not seem to have made an effort. Meanwhile, either Diane’s chest has moved south or her bodice has moved north, but they are certainly not in alignment one with the other.

Another actress, Katie Holmes, wearing Chanel.

These are not so much trousers as a translucent  truss with creases. WTF likes a high waisted trouser but these are at tit-level. Just. Very. Bad.

And yet another actress Chloe Sevigny, also wearing Chanel. (It was a Chanel   sponsored event).

WTF has said this before. There is edgy and there is ridiculous. This has raced past ridiculous and is currently parked at preposterous. Why would anyone want to go about dressed as the lovechild of a Nazi stormtrooper and an overstuffed armchair? With fancy tights?

Talking of Germany, here is Queen Maxima of The Netherlands  on a visit to Bavaria wearing Danish designer Claes Iversen. 

No  really, what is going with that coat? It is covered with swastikas made out of nuts and bolts. If you want to decorate your coat from the tools department of the B&Q Danish equivalent, so be it. But to arrange the hardware into swastikas and then let the Queen of Holland wear them on a tour of Germany is either a major fuck you or the biggest faux pas ever. Or both.

Next we have Victoria’s Secret model, Chanel Iman wearing a grey suede cheese grater.

No one has owned up to designing this monstrosity, and is it any wonder? That Minge Flap is a whole It’s Got To Go on its own….

You can always rely on fashionista Anna dello Russo to look silly. And wearing Dolce & Gabbana, she looks very, very silly.

This is a crinoline. It is supposed to be worn under a dress, not as a dress.

And now one of the worst sights of 2016. If not ever. Here is the ghastly Kim Kardashian out and about in Iceland (the country, not the frozen food emporium)  wearing Spanx, more Spanx, and a lot of dead animal. The Yeezy trainers are designed by her husband, megalomaniac nutter Kanye West, and cost £535. Easy as you scroll down….

WTF does not know whether to be more offended by the camel toe, the coat or the socks. She watched the whole series of Icelandic crime thriller Trapped and not one person walked around dressed like this, although the hairy hero tended to wear his coat open to the elements, even in a blizzard. Kim – there is a blue lagoon nearby. Go and jump in it.

This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF of Islington and concerns David Cameron’s “joke writer”, an oxymoron if ever there was one. His jokes are rubbish. Nearly as rubbish as Cameron’s ability to deliver a gag. This week in Prime Minister’s Questions, Cameron had some frightful pre-rehearsed line about Labour banning McDonalds from its Party Conference and a pun on John McDonnell the Shadow Chancellor. It was so bad that you wanted to hide behind your own sofa. I’m not Lovin’ It.  Not so much wit as shit. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. There has been a paucity of comments of late and you know how this sets WTF off worrying, so please hit that comment button and save her from further frown lines. But there have been top nominations for It’s Got To Go, so keep them rolling in. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good  x

Hallo Readers, 

It was bad enough that Bradford MP Naz Shah made her comments about Israel. She wanted Israel moved to the USA as a “solution”. Perhaps a final solution? Is she really so stupid as not to know the association of those words? Maybe she is. She used the phrase “the Jews are rallying”. Worse was the fact that once elected as an MP, she denounced a Tory councillor for making anti-semitic remarks and demanded that he should be made to stand down. And then her words came to light. To be fair, Shah apologised and admitted what she said was wrong and anti-semitic. But then the nonsense really started. Out came the Zionist conspiracies. Shah was a Zionist puppet used to get rid of former Bradford MP, George Galloway. Shah was the victim of Zionists. Zionists were out to get Jeremy Corbyn. Oh, and her remarks were not anti-semitic. Even though she herself had accepted that they were. Ah, but those nasty Zionists had made her apologise. And so it went on.

And then Ken Livingstone popped up to defend Shah and crank up the Zio-meter. Hitler, he informed us, was a supporter of Zionism. (In other news, Pol Pot was a big fan of capitalism). Livingstone was in fact referring to the Havaara Agreement of the 1930’s when the Nazi authorities allowed German Jews to emigrate to Palestine in exchange for allowing German goods to be exported there. Hitler wavered in his support for the deal, but he allowed it because it helped rid Germany of some Jews, not because he supported a Jewish State. Livingstone then continued that Hitler’s Zionism was “before he went mad and ended up killing 6 million Jews”. Apparently, Der Führer woke up one morning and thought “Oooh, I’m not feeling well, I think I’ll go and build some gas chambers”. Finally Livingstone opined that there was a difference between anti-Semitism and racism. Why? What do you suppose would have happened had he said there was a difference between Islamophobia and racism? Actually, the Zionists would probably have been blamed for that one as well.

WTF, the daughter and granddaughter of Jewish refugees, does not believe that criticism of Israel is the same as anti-semitism. WTF does not even believe that denial of the right of the State of Israel to exist is the same as anti-Semitism. But she knows anti-Semitism when she sees it. She knows anti-Semitism when she smells it. And although anti-Zionism is not automatically anti-Semitism, an awful lot of people are hiding their anti-Semitism behind the cloak of anti-Zionism. Jews know that they are never far away from the next reference to the blood-libel, to the fat capitalist Jewish crook, to the Zionist conspiracy of Marxist bankers. We wait for it because we know it is coming, just as it always has come. And now in some circles it has again become acceptable to denigrate Jews and to view all Jews who do not denounce the State of Israel as Zionist scum, But the introduction of Hitler into the equation is beyond offensive. Livingstone, whose track record on these matters is deplorable, has become more than a embarrassment. He is a liability. 

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We start our dip into the sartorial slurry with Sky Sports presenter Hayley McQueen at the British Sports Awards, wearing House of Ikons.

This is basically an elongated Bunny Girl’s outfit with an ultra tacky necklace. Whoever told Hayley that this was flattering clearly does not like her very much. 

Next, we have Girls actress Allison Williams, wearing Nina Ricci.

The dress looks as if it has succumbed to mildew. It also appears to have been designed for someone about a foot taller with arms like an orang-utan.

Here is singer Nicki Minaj wearing Givenchy.

Nicki, who has gone respectable, is asking the Good Lord whether it was worth going respectable if she has ended up in this lacy froth-fest with hooker boots. Fair question.

Meet singer Tinashe, wearing Alexander Wang.

If the dress had been hoicked up about 6 inches, it would have been OK. But it wasn’t and so it isn’t. “Saggy” is the kindest epithet available. Tinashe should do her stylist a mischief by kicking him or her somewhere warm and personal with those lethal studded shoes. Hard.

Yikes. This is actress Mia Farrow.

Er… this is sort of  Henley Regatta meets Cell Block H, And not in a good way.

Now we have actor Lamont Van Hook at the ascap Awards.

He actually looks rather adorable in a preposterous sort of way. But, in the same way of the Emperor of Austria told Mozart that his music had too many notes, Lamont has gone one whimsical step too far. WTF would have ditched the shoes and then thought very hard indeed about the bow tie.

Next, we have former TOWIE personage, Abi Clarke out and about in London. This one is BAD.

First of all, a bra is not a top. Fact. Even if it has a lacy under-hang. Second, whatever is in that bra are not tits. They are not even an approximation of tits. They are like a pair of giant oranges glued onto her front. In short, they are the most ridiculous tits WTF has seen for a quite a while. Just go away woman and get a proper job.

Finally, the newest member of the Kardashian clan, Rob’s new fiancée Blac Chyna.

As WTF aficionado Naomi remarked, this is just a package of bad. If an undercooked sausage had plaits and tits and went clubbing, this is what it would look like. I mean, what the actual fuck is going on here? Blac, you may recall, is the ex of rapper Tyga who is going out with Rob’s half sister Kylie Jenner, so Rob’s choice of wife has gone down like a cup of cold sick with his nightmare mother and siblings, half-siblings and their consorts. However, dressed like this, Blac is obviously a kindred spirit to the Kardashians and she will fit right in.

This week’s It’s Got To Go is as plain as can be. I refer to South Yorkshire Police.  It stinks to high heaven. The Augean Stables is a veritable flowerbed in comparison. Officers’ incompetence led to the death of 96 people. As people lay dying, police standing idly by and ambulances forbidden from driving onto the pitch, those officers concocted a vicious lie about the victims. They doctored witness statements to obtain a verdict of accidental death based on that lie. They maintained that lie for nearly three decades. The Force apologised in 2012 when new evidence came to light. But in 2014, when the inquest started, the same old lies were trotted out again. The fans were drunk. They stormed the gate. They pissed on the dead. Vile, vile, vile. The Force – the same Force that did nothing in Rotherham for years whilst children were pimped out and abused – has Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. There were loads of comments last week and WTF was grinning from ear to ear like an idiot. Keep it up and those top nominations for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good  x

Hallo Readers 

Happy Birthday to me. In May 2012, WTF hit the Internet with a little fashion blog which has developed into a bigger fashion blog and a political rant to go with it. And it is still going strong in 2016 with a large number of loyal Readers across the world. You are all very warped people with a twisted sense of humour and WTF loves you all. Please tell your friends and your family and your acquaintance and any other bugger you may encounter and let us celebrate next year together even bigger and better than ever.

And now, let us consider the Tory London Mayoral candidate Zac Goldsmith MP. Counting for this august contest will not begin until this morning and it looks as if the winner will be Labour’s Sadiq Khan MP. WTF hopes that this is the case because Goldsmith’s campaign has been an absolute disgrace.

Neither candidate oozes charisma but Khan is fundamentally a decent man. And of course it is not Goldsmith’s fault that his father, James Goldsmith, was a 24-carat-gold-plated-shit. Or that he is richer than Croesus with a trust fund worth £300m. But it is his fault that he employed the services of Lynton Crosby’s firm. Crosby is the loathsome political thug shipped over from Australia to win the election for Cameron. Crosby makes Malcolm Tucker look like Mother Theresa. It is his fault that he wrote to any Londoner with a Hindu or Sikh name, expressing his support for “family-run businesses” and suggesting that Khan, a Muslim, would impose a tax on gold jewellery. It is his fault that he attacked Khan for giving “platform, oxygen and cover” to Islamic extremists and for being “divisive.” (Singling out Hindus and Sikhs and suggesting that a terrorist sympathiser would close down their corner shops and snaffle their family jewellery is not divisive.  Not even at all). What London really needs at the moment is heightened racial and religious tension. Well done Zac. Way to go……

As it happens, Khan is pro same-sex marriage, pro gay rights. But Lynton Crosby has never let facts stand in the way of political victory because victory has to be had at any cost. Remember Cameron’s promise not to cut welfare benefits? And so we had a contest enlivened by smears and provocation. It is fervently to be hoped that if and when Khan is elected, Goldsmith will slip back into the obscurity that he so richly deserves and Britain will retain its fine old tradition of sending undesirables off to Australia. Bon voyage Lynton! Meanwhile, the next time Cameron flings allegations of racism at Labour (and Readers will recall that last week, WTF gave anti-semites both barrels), he might care to look at the campaign of his Mayoral candidate, which he has endorsed, and repent. But don’t hold your breath …. 

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To the Met Gala 2016, an annual frightfest of fashion. This year the theme was “Manus X Machina; Fashion in the age of technology”. For many designers, this meant sticking celebs in silver like so many robotic stick insects. We will ignoring most of them as they were all so samey. We are going for the real dross. Let us start with Oscar-winning actress Alicia Vikander wearing Louis Vuitton.

Vuitton had a total shocker this week, featuring lots of dresses with enhanced tit covers and hobnail boots. Like Alicia here.  This is very Barbie goes kinky. Life is not fantastic when you’re wearing plastic….

Singer Taylor Swift, also wearing  Louis Vuitton.

Ah, Taylor. Little Princess Smug herself. Black lipstick is So Over, pet. If a dehydrated snake went to a party in a ra-ra skirt and Greek sandals, this is what it would look like.

Model Irina Shayk wearing Givenchy.

It is a good job that the US Constitution regards desecration of the flag as protected by the right of free speech. This is a see-through Star Spangled Minge Moment with a double side helping of tits to go.

Rapper Kanye West wearing Balmain.

WTF continues to deplore Kanye’s thing with ripped jeans and he appears to have deposited the entire content of his sock drawer in the crotch. The jacket looks seriously cheap, although probably costing the same as the GDP of Argentina. Just go away…. 

Zayn Malik wearing Versace and Gigi Hadid wearing Tommy Hilfiger.

She is wearing see-through. As WTF aficionado Joyce so sagely observed, it has long lost the power even to shock and is just dull, dull, dull.  As for Zayn, WTF has never been a fan of his permanently farouche expression and air of martyrdom (He’s a pop star. And a multi-millionaire. He’s going out with a supermodel. Just shut the fuck up and smile, son). As for his attire, it seems  that Donatella has broken into the Tower of London armoury, stolen some samples, stuck them onto a jacket and called it an outfit.

Actress Sarah Jessica Parker, wearing Monse.

More Monsense. She looks like an extra from Master and Commander  and WTF is not keen on the mis-matched Manolos, although the colour is beautiful. There is also much to hate about the makeup, which has been applied with two trowels, and the hair, which looks like the mane of a pantomime lion.

Jeremy Scott wearing Jeremy Scott and singer Nicki Minaj wearing Moschino (whose designer is, er, Jeremy Scott).

Nicki is dressed like the sort of person who hangs around with John Whittingdale. As for Jeremy, the heart-shaped diamanté crotch is one of the worst things WTF has seen in quite a while – even from him.

European Editor-at-large for Vogue, Hamish Bowles, wearing who knows what.

Fred Astaire in his hall curtains….. It’s been done, Hamish. By Julie Andrews. 50 years ago.

Singer Beyoncé wearing Givenchy.

She is dressed as a blowup sex doll with puff sleeves and a box bag. You have to resist the powerful urge to stick a darning needle into her ……

And her sister Solange (or, as WTF likes to call her, Solangé – share the acute, Mr and Mrs Knowles!) wearing David LaPorte. Who I trust is no relation of WTF aficionado, Joshua LaPorte. 

It is as if Solangé was making a banana smoothie and forgot to fasten down the lid. And those rubber surgical stockings are very disturbing.

Singer Lady Gaga, wearing Versace.

Granted, this is how Gaga usually looks. But it is so…..MINGEY! Starship trooper meets lap dancer.

Worst of all, admittedly in a hotly contested field, Madonna wearing Givenchy.

Where to start? The Cersei Lannister hair? The demonic face, more frozen than a packet of Capt. Birdseye’s boil-in-the-bag cod? The Barbarella tits? The thighs, strapped in tighter than a camel’s arse in a sandstorm? And talking of arse…..

Sigh. Where Madonna is concerned, when do we not talk about arse? This is a repetition of 2013 when the said arse was again on display. WTF takes a small crumb of comfort from the fact that the thong looks fiendishly uncomfortable and must have chafed like hell. When Madonna took it back off, her arse would have looked like a monkey’s. Yurgle….

This week’s It’s Got To Go comes courtesy of Ayesha from Stepney who is much exercised about the “elfie”,  which she describes so eloquently, WTF will just leave her to it. An elfie is a picture or footage of protagonists’ tiny progeny at inappropriate events. This is now an unfortunate fixture on sports pitches but recently it has  crept into diplomatic and political events. There was the Climate Deal signing (John Kerry and his grandson) and President Obama’s  State visit to the UK, where he was met by little Prince George in his jim-jams. Some things should be just for grownups. It’s Got to Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. There were buckets of comments last week, so keep them coming. As for your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go, it is a pleasure to receive them. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good  x

Hallo Readers,

Last week, WTF held forth in her imitable way about the vile Mayoral campaign conducted by Tory candidate Zac Goldsmith which vilified and smeared the Labour candidate, Sadiq Khan. It was said that Khan supported terrorism and would endanger London’s security.  In Parliament, Call Me Dave took advantage of Parliamentary Privilege to libel imam Suliman Gani, with whom Khan had shared platforms in the past. Dave told the House of Commons that Gani was a supporter of ISIS. There was no evidence to support that statement and Khan had spoken out publicly for years against some of Gani’s less liberal views. Michael Fallon, Secretary of State for Defence, described Khan as “a Labour lackey who spoke alongside extremists”. The people of London held up two fingers at Zac and Call Me Dave and Fallon and voted Khan in with a large majority.

On the following morning, Fallon shuffled onto the Today programme where he was asked repeatedly whether he welcomed Khan’s election and whether London was less safe now that it had its first Muslim Mayor. Fallon repeatedly dodged the question and eventually mumbled something to the effect that London would be safe because Khan was working alongside a Conservative Government. When taxed about his party’s campaign, he replied, “in the rough and tumble of politics, you get stuff said, questions asked…I think it is right that candidates for some of the most important offices in Britain do get scrutinised about their past associations.”

To which WTF asks, why? Why is it OK to smear your opponents and treat others as collateral damage and then dismiss it as the “rough and tumble of politics?”. What happened to decency and integrity and reasoned political argument? Dismissing smears as “the rough and tumble of politics” is like describing sexual harassment as “the rough and tumble of courtship”  or a pub brawl as “the rough and tumble of an evening out”. “Rough and tumble of politics”,  my backside. The more accurate term for it is falsehood. And the mere fact that Fallon even attempted to justify it is disgraceful. But then it was Fallon who described Ed Miliband during the last election as the man who “stabbed his brother in the back”.

However, Fallon made a fatal mistake. He forgot that Parliamentary Privilege does not apply to statements made outside the House and Gani instructed m’Learned Friends to get busy with a libel claim, which they did. That same day it was threatened, Fallon was forced into a grovelling apology and no doubt will be forking out the folding to Mr Gani whilst m’learned friends gambol around Lincoln’s Inn Fields shouting Hallelujah and uncorking the Krug. I trust that the long-suffering taxpayers are not footing Fallon’s bill (and, presumably Gani’s, whose costs will have to be paid as part of any settlement).  Let this be a lesson for Fallon. The “rough and tumble of politics” ends up in the rough and tumble of litigation. And the loss of public respect.

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We start our review of the week’s fashion flotsam at the Kentucky Derby with skaters Tara Lipinski wearing Mark Zunino and Johnny Weir wearing a Kerin Rose Gold hat.

Tara has a garden on her head. Johnny is dressed as a particularly camp medical orderly and is sporting what looks like a birthday cake with a My Little Pony pink mane. Apparently he was wearing it for charity. WTF would pay a large sum of money to make him go away…

Also present was actor and fashionista Carson Kressly, seen here with Dancing with the Stars‘  Kym Johnson.

Kym is wearing a crown but otherwise looks fine. Carson however…. what’s to like? First, it is psychedelic. Second, it is a shorts suit, originally brought to us by Thom Browne, for whom a horsewhipping is insufficient punishment. Third, it is worn with a pink shirt and matching tie. Finally, he is doing that David Furnish, open-mouthed “I’ve-just-got-laid” pose that drives WTF mental. To be fair, most things drive WTF mental.  That said, the suit would enrage a saint.

Next, we visit the Imagine Ball, where we encounter singer and environmentalist Natasha Bedingfield wearing who knows what…

Natasha is dressed as a pantomime boy in a cloak made from Quality Street wrappers.

It is terribly, terribly, terrible, made worse by nude fishnet tights. WTF tried to imagine Natasha wearing something, anything, approximating a decent outfit and then gave up because it would be an occurrence rarer than rocking horse shit.

To the Logies, the Australian TV Awards,where we find singer and celebrity sister, Dannii Minogue, wearing Aelkemi.

From the neck up, Dannii looks lovely. From the neck down, she looks like an exploded turkey.

To Cannes for the Film Festival. We shall spend a lot of time in the next fortnight looking at the Red Carpet Nonsense but here is a little taster with actress Araya R Hargate wearing Ralph & Russo.

The ultimate loo-roll cover. Pass the Andrex…

Here is diva Mariah Carey flashing her bits and pissed as a fart when out and about on the town.

If Mariah wants to get pissed, let her get pissed. But there is a vast expanse of tit. And, when you see the rear view, a vast expanse of rear.

At what point did it become mandatory to flash your arse? WTF is unsure whether that big black thing on the right buttock is a huge wart or a teeny tattoo, but she does know that she does not want to see it. Or the buttock on which it is situated. Or the matching buttock. Or at all.

And finally, a very terrible sight. Feast your eyes upon la crème de la crème of British Womanhood, (Reality TV Version). Here are (*shudders*) Olivia Walsh, Jemma Lucy and Charlotte Dawson, the latter being the winner of the WTF Christmas Turkey 2015.

Behold a trio of talentless, titsy, tackiness, all of them the colour of burnt umber. One struggles to find an original part between the three of them. Jemma is the worst by reason of (i) those appalling bouncing breasts and (ii) the fact that she has drawing all over her.  Depressing, isn’t it?

This week’s It’s Got To Go concerns Portico, the service provider providing receptionist services to PwC, the accountancy giant. Nicola Thorp, 27, arrived at a PwC office as a temp to find herself reprimanded for not wearing high heels. She was told to go out and buy a pair of shoes with heels between 5cm and 10cm high. She was also told that she had to wear make up and was supplied with a colour chart of “acceptable shades”. Nicola refused and was sent home. Following an outcry, Portico has “reviewed” its policy and flatties are now fine. And quite right too. You can bet that the dress code was devised by men. Let them try standing in 10cm heels all day and see how they like it…….

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. The comments flowed in last week, so keep them coming and make WTF smile. Your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go are also highly treasured. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good  x

Hallo Readers,

You can go on Google or Twitter or have a chat with the bloke in the local emporium or live in Canada or the US or Scotland and you will know the name of matey boy, the “celebrity” who frolicked with another couple in a paddling pool full of olive oil.  Oliver Oil, as we shall call him, is in fact attached to A N Other, who is even more famous than he is. Oliver and his partner, who have young children, admitted in court that they have an open marriage. Some years after the frolicking, Oliver’s two oily pals Pinky and Perky felt the need for a few readies and trod the well-worn path to the door of The Sun on Sunday, where they offered to reveal every slippery detail for a large cheque. However, when Oliver and his partner discovered the Sun’s plans, they were on the phone to m’Learned Friends before you could say “celebrity injunction” and the Sun on Sunday was stymied. The High Court held that there was no public interest in publishing the story and that it would cause great distress to Oliver, his partner and their kiddies. Yesterday, the Supreme Court ruled that the injunction would be continued. M’Learned Friends are again dancing around Lincoln’s Inn Fields in a state of delirium and eyeing up new motors and maybe another floor to their luxury dwellings.

The papers were of course up in arms. The Daily Mail practically exploded with outrage. If WTF had a quid for every time someone has used the expression “The Law is An Ass”, she would be sprawled across a sun lounger on some Caribbean island, sipping rum punch and turning the colour of stewed tea. (Actually, the expression comes from David Copperfield where Mr Bumble opined that “The law is A ass,” but I digress). WTF was also much entertained by quotes from Tory MP’s decrying the unfairness of the legal process, which is only open to rich people. Of course, Tories do not believe in the rich having advantages. Oh – hang on….

Here’s the thing, Readers. These injunctions are entirely pointless because everyone can discover your identity in the click of a mouse. Lining the pockets of M’Learned Friends is all well and good, particularly for M’Learned Friends, but it simply prolongs the agony. On the other hand, there is no public interest in knowing that Oliver was having jiggy-jiggy with Pinky and Perky in a paddling pool full of olive oil. If Oliver were the Archbishop of Canterbury, that would be one thing. But he isn’t. He is just someone famous with a dick and some odd tastes in sexual gratification. And look on the bright side – a lot of olive growers and grocers had a very big result…..

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We start our review of the week’s sartorial shit pile with singer Gwen Stefani, wearing Who Knows What.

I mean, this is a bad package of bad. An elongated pair of tights worn with cropped diamanté khaki trousers and sparkly shoes, like a member of Special Forces in drag at the Christmas panto. WTF also wishes to express her disapprobation for the hair, which closely resembles a badger’s bum.

Next up, we have young actress Chloe Grace Moretz, current squeeze of Brooklyn Beckham,  wearing Alexander MacQueen at the premiere of her new movie.

The frock is floppy and flimsy, as if it has been savaged by a particularly angry Alsatian. Although, to be fair, the Alsatian would be a fashion critic.

To the Cannes Film Festival and actress Julianne Moore, wearing Louis Vuitton.

Quite apart from the fact that white is so not Julianne’s colour and it clearly does not fit properly over the stomach, the dress itself is preposterous. The poor woman looks as if she has been put through the shredder

Now meet German actress Emilia Schüle,  wearing  Marina Hoermanseder.

The skirt is much too long and is dragging along the damp Red Carpet leaving a tide mark, but the real problem is the corset. If a pink latex sex doll went to a Game of Thrones party, this is what it would look like. 

This is actress Riley Keough, wearing Gucci,

Readers, sometimes a dress merits inclusion here simply because it is dog-ugly. Or, given that Riley is Elvis Presley’s granddaughter, hound dog-ugly.

Now we have French actress Vanessa Paradis, wearing the ineffably vulgar Roberto Cavalli.

Say bonjour to Vanessa’s, how-you-say, meenge. And to her ‘ips.’Orrible.

Every year at Cannes we are treated to Russian-person-who-does-not-d0-much-other-than-appear-on-the-Cannes-Red-Carpet, Elena Lenina, she of the mad hair.

Ming the Merciless meets Madam Butterfly meets Lady Penelope from Thunderbirds. The twig-things sticking out of her hair makes her look as if she has been caught in a thicket. If only she were still there…

Here is one of our perennial offenders, US actress Chloe Sevigny wearing Who Knows What…

There is a serious possibility that Chloe designed this excrescence herself, complete with a spotty crotch casement and a silken fanny flap, making her appear to be wearing very baggy drawers.

Our next person is model Bella Hadid, wearing Minge Maestro supreme, Alexandre Vauthier. Mind how you go with this one……

Yes, she’s gorgeous and leggy but there is just MASSES of minge. Something about Cannes brings out the Minge Moment in Alexandre… Emmanuelle Seigner, anyone?

Finally, we have actress Laetitia Casta wearing Atelier Versace.

Yurgle!  Spiderwoman moonlights as a swimsuit model. What a cobweb we do weave when first we practice to deceive…. the deception being that this is in any shape or form a dress. WTF is suffering from rampant arachnophobia. 

Hallo Readers,

WTF always thought that the marriage of thespians Johnny Depp, 52, and Amber Heard, 30, was unlikely to go the distance, but at 15 months, it came in seriously under budget. Last week, the relationship did not just hit the buffers, it exploded with the wreckage flying into the sidings. A few days after Depp’s mother died, Heard filed for divorce and then went to court to get a restraining order, sporting a large bruise on her cheekbone. She claimed Depp had assaulted her by throwing his mobile phone at her face, whilst her friend claimed that Depp had smashed the house up with a champagne bottle. Heard also asked the court to deny Depp access to their two Yorkshire terriers, Pistol and Boo, but the Judge declined. Heard now alleges that she had suffered years of physical and psychological abuse from Depp (they have been together since 2012) and is said to be asking for a divorce settlement of $20m plus $50,000 a month spousal support. As you do. Those pooches must eat a lot of doggie biscuits.

As WTF’s brother was wont to remark, opinions are like arseholes – everybody has one.  And everybody, it appears, has an opinion about Depp and Heard, despite not knowing either of them other than  through reading the papers or watching them on the Silver Screen. There is the predictable division into Team Johnny and Team Amber. Team Johnny declares that Amber is a money-grabbing cow who has made up the assault and painted on a peripatetic bruise. They maintain that Johnny is gentle and affectionate and would not hurt a fly. They assert that Amber never reported the alleged assault to the police when they attended the marital mansion and that no charges have been brought against him. And, of course, they say that because Amber is openly bisexual so clearly she only married him for his money. Team Amber counters that no-one would fake a bruise and that she has bravely spoken out about domestic violence rather than brush it under the carpet. They point out that Johnny has, in the words of WTF’s Mum (the whole family is getting a mention today), gone double, if not treble, and just sits about all day boozing and smoking dope and is generally a fat slob who is prone to violence and should maintain his battered wife. Newspapers variously  report that he likes partying and she wants a baby and that he wants a baby and she likes partying. You get the picture,

WTF has no idea who did what to whom. She is unsure that Heard is entitled to $20m or $50K a month after 15 months of marriage, even if Depp is worth £400m and sits about all day on his ever-burgeoning bum, spliffing up and strumming his guitar. On the other hand, domestic violence must be taken seriously.  Women frequently hide the fact that they are bullied or assaulted. They are ashamed. They are frightened. If you are married to a famous film star with zillions of fans, you know that you are going to be abused and derided if you go public about being hit, and that is exactly what has happened here. Depp had one of the most beautiful faces in cinema and was Capt. Sparrow in umpteen Pirates of the Caribbean movies but why would that stop him hitting his wife? Do only ugly people assault their spouses? The truth is that no one knows the truth except Depp and Heard. And you can bet a pound to a pinch of shit that if Heard were not openly bisexual, having had the guts to come out in a homophobic, sexist Hollywood, she would probably be getting a lot less abuse….

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We start our journey into sartorial shockingness at the British Soap Awards, always a rich source of fashion horror, and actress Laurie Brett aka Jane off EastEnders.

WTF gave up watching EastEnders years ago on the basis that if you want to  reduce yourself to suicidal misery, there are quicker and more pleasant ways of going about it. It is schadenfreude for the sofa-bound. Laurie’s outfit is equally as depressing. The dress with plain sleeves would have been OK. But not the puffy-wuffy things attached to it. Or the peony, pointy pumps with circulation-restricting straps, worn over opaque black tights. Or the bag. Yurgle.

And here is actress Fiona Wade, aka Priya off Emmerdale, wearing Zeynap Kartal.

Now this is proper Soap Star dressing – i.e.  tawdry, tacky, loads of leg and no actual skirt. Zeynap specialises in dressing soapy stars in this sort of tat and has excelled herself in this instance. WTF also deplores Fiona’s cottage loaf coiffure.

This is actress Paula Patton, formerly Mrs Robin Thicke, wearing Maria Lucia Hohan.

This is essentially a pleated apron with embossed breastplate and it is ranker than a rugby player’s jockstrap.

We now encounter model and fashionista Alexa Chung, wearing Dior at a Dior Fashion show at Blenheim Palace.

Four years ago WTF asked what is the point of Alexa Chung? She is still waiting for an answer. On this showing, it is also worth asking what is the point of Dior? The skirt is pretty, but the lurex Minnie Mouse-eared top over a long sleeved teeshirt is not and Alexa’s little pipecleaner legs look ridiculous in those hobnailed boots.

And this is “TV personality” Alesha Dixon, one of the judges on Britain’s Got Talent, wearing Idan Cohen at the Final last Saturday.

Readers will recall that Alesha’s co-judge Amanda Holden was last week’s It’s Got To Go for the joint offences of having no talent and wearing a succession of ever-smaller dresses before the 9 pm watershed. At last Saturday’s Final, Amanda turned up in a wedding dress so voluminous that they must have widened the door to get her into the studio. Alesha wore this spangled nappy with chiffon crotch-and-arse cover, just to show the audience that she too can flash her bits. WTF does not consider that either woman is advancing the case for emancipation. Oh – and that hair is just terribly, terribly, terrible, as if an open paint pot  had fallen randomly onto her head.

Pray be upstanding for their Royal Highnesses Princess Beatrice, wearing Burberry and Princess Eugenie, wearing Alice and Olivia. They are doing their stuff at the Buckingham Palace Garden Party, whatever their stuff actually comprises….

Look, it is hard to look good in a stupid hat and the York girls have the monopoly on stupid hats. Beatrice’s dress is frumpy, her hair hangs about aimlessly and WTF is sorry to observe that she looks like Prince Andrew in drag. Eugenie’s outfit is fun but her hat looks like a squashed tomato with spores growing out of it. Why should young women have to dress in this ridiculous throwback to the 1950’s? And the same goes for her Holiness The Duchess of Cambridge. Why can’t they just dress normally? Why do they need to wear these bloody hats?

And finally we have Swedish singer Robyn wearing who knows what…

Someone forgot to shorten the sleeves. WTF tried to remember when she last saw a more preposterous outfit and then gave up. What in the name of all that is Holy is going on here? She looks like a demented psychedelic tiger that just finished snacking on a Valentine. Grrrrr…….

This week’s It’s Got To Go features poncy, overpriced tea served in fashionable cafés for £2 80 a cup. This has got to be the world’s biggest rip-off EVER. You take a tea bag, place it in a cup or little pot, pour boiling water over it and serve it at a markup of 1000%. And morons pay it. At least when you buy your artisanal, hand-crafted, Free-Trade coffee, some effort goes into making it. More effort than pouring boiling water into a bloody cup. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. WTF loves your comments so keep them coming, as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go which have been totally tops. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good  x

Hallo Readers, 

This has been a horrible, awful week of murder, mayhem and hatred, a week that tests your faith in people and decency and humanity to the utmost. On Sunday, 49 people were shot dead in a gay club in Florida by a man who may or may not have been gay himself, who professed an affiliation to ISIL, a Muslim who, in contradiction of the tenets of Islamic faith not to kill, murdered innocent people out because of their sexual orientation. He was an American citizen, free to obtain the gun to carry out his intent because of the Constitutional right to massacre your fellow citizens with lethal weapons, regardless of the cost to society. 11,000 shot dead every year and that excludes the suicides and accidents. Every time there has been a massacre, President Obama has appeared on TV and deplored the country’s gun laws but he knows he can do nothing because Congress will not let him. This week he told his fellow Americans “we have to decide if this is the country we want to be”. And you know what, Readers? Apparently it is.

And apparently, a large number of his fellow Americans want Donald Trump to be the President of the country they want it to be. Trump, that bombastic, bigoted, buffoon. A man who, in the wake of the murders in Florida tweeted “Appreciate the congrats for being right on radical Islamic terrorism, I don’t want congrats, I want toughness & vigilance. We must be smart!”. Congrats for being right. By meeting death born of hatred with boasts of continuing hatred. By demonising a whole community. By creating an atmosphere of fear and loathing and xenophobia and Islamophobia. It has to be said that if America elects Trump, God help them and all of us.

And then on Thursday, a lovely, feisty, humanitarian, decent woman of 41, the mother of two young children, an MP elected only last year, was going about her business in her constituency when she was stabbed and shot in the village square of Birstall in West Yorkshire. 90 minutes later, she was pronounced dead. She was passionately pro-EU and took a particular interest in refugees, having previously worked for Oxfam. The assailant was a man who may or may not have shouted “Britain First” or perhaps he shouted “It’s Time To Put Britain First”. It is not clear what sort of gun he had, and witnesses say it looked vintage or even home made. The far-right organisation Britain First has denied any connection with the man and it is too early to know what happened or why it happened. But we too in Britain have to decide if this is the country we want to be. A nation where certain people, a particular brand of politician and certain members of the public spout hatred about foreigners and Muslims and Jews and anyone who does not share that hateful, little Englander ethos, who sneer at human rights and at expressions of humanity in others as “wet” and “politically correct”. A nation where it is acceptable to make it unacceptable for others to hold political or religious opinions different from your own, whichever way that hatred goes, left to right or right to left, where universities try and stop people speaking if their views are deemed wrong. Because if that continues, God help us all here as well. 

Jo Cox MP –  you can be proud of everything you achieved and we can only mourn what you will never now achieve. Rest in Peace.

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The rest of the blog (pre-written) is its usual silly and frivolous self. You may feel you need to cheer yourself up. Or you may want to come back and read it another time. ………

We start the week’s sartorial nonsense with Samantha Cameron, seen here with husband David, wearing L K Bennett and a stupid hat.

This is a sundress. You do not wear a sundress and bare legs in St Paul’s Cathedral, except as a sightseer. Plus the cathedral is chilly, what with all that marble and high ceilings and such. And you certainly do not wear a sundress with bare legs on a formal occasion like the Queen’s 90th Birthday Thanksgiving Service. As for the hat, she appears to have been caught in a downpour because it seems to have collapsed.

Also there were the Yorks – Prince Andrew, Princess Eugenie wearing Eponine and the ineffable Princess Beatrice wearing Burberry.

The button on the Duke’s suit jacket is hanging on for dear life. As far as WTF is concerned, the Duke is a waste of a large amount of space. Eugenie’s dress is lovely but there are fit issues round the chest. And that fascinator – and indeed all fascinators – has got to go. As for Beatrice…. this is an overpriced Halloween costume (£2,990!) and a belted coat always makes you look like Friar Tuck if you are busty. And long hair under a hat? Never.

To the Tony Awards in New York and Broadway star Zachary Levi wearing who knows what.

No adult should be dressed as a bellhop. Except a bellhop. And probably not even then.

Singer Emily Estefan, wearing who knows what.

WTF does not even know what this is. The sleeves look as if they have water damage, the jacket is plain weird and the last time WTF saw shiny leggings like that, they were on Jane Fonda in an aerobics video in 1980. Which is where they should have remained.

Next up we have TV Broadcaster Keltie Knight wearing Walter Mendez.

Yes, she has a fab figure but do we need to see so much of it? The bodice is virtually redundant, not to mention ill-fitting,  and there is only half a skirt, like a split condom.

Oh no! here is actress Cate Blanchett wearing Louis Vuitton.

This may be Vuitton but it is so terribly, terribly, terrible that even the sainted Kate cannot get away with it. WTF sends a lot of time complaining about too much tit being flashed but a leather faux-bra is just as offensive, especially when teamed with some of the most expensive off-cuts in history….

British actress Cynthia Erivo won  Best Actress for The Color Purple, which is brilliant. She is wearing Roberto Cavalli, which is not.

Sorry, but this looks exactly like those piles of discarded clothes turned into artworks…..

Finally, we have Readers’ favourite Nancy dell’Olio.

Ummmm…. Is she doing panto?

Hallo Readers,

So we’re out. It only happened a few hours ago and already the currency is crashing, Nigel Farage thinks he’s Churchill and David Cameron is holed up in his bunker, stunned and shortly to be unemployed. WTF will clearly return to this subject but the primary responsibility is Cameron’s who thought up the referendum ruse as a way of defeating UKIP in 2015. Well that worked well didn’t it? He and Osborne failed to argue the case for staying in and instead tried to terrify everyone with absurd claims of Armageddon.  To the list of dishonour add Corbyn who – literally – went on holiday and then did next to nothing, did it reluctantly and would fail to persuade an incontinent man to take a piss. Look forward to a future of rampant xenophobia, Boris Johnson as Prime Minister, the dismantling of employment rights and the NHS and Scotland Scexiting the UK post bloody haste. This is a very bad day. WTF is about to get on a plane to France and is seriously considering whether she should bother to come back. Although given the new value of the Euro, she won’t last long over there…. There will be more on thus next week and in the months to come but they are calling the flight and it is time for BA to do its stuff.

Which is why Referendum week was also designated the week for that other major poll, to whit the WTF Summer Stinker. You can choose from 18 horrendous sartorial shockers from the first half of 2016. Frankly, they are all very bad and so your task is a difficult one. The contenders are in first name alphabetical order and you can choose as many of them you like (none of that Single Transferable Vote malarkey here). Make sure that you vote and tell everyone else you know from your mother to the milkman to vote as well. So don’t just sit there! Start selecting….

1. Anita Hawkins “Author, Model, Philanthropist, Mentor..” wearing who knows what.

Do not adjust your screen. Anita is a walking strobe wearing a circus tent.

2. Anna dello Russo, fashionista, wearing Dolce & Gabbana.

Well, this is emancipating. Not. Visible bra, see-through crinoline, booties and a coronet.  Princess Preposterous. 

3. Ansel Elgort, actor, wearing Thom Browne.

Ludicrous. What the hell happened to his trousers? Why is he wearing sheer socks? As WTF remarked at the time, he looks like an undertaker dressed as Blade Runner.

4. Bella Hadid, model, wearing Alexandre Vauthier.

Bella is beautiful but there was just no need for her to flash her minge on the Cannes Red Carpet. As for Alexandre Vauthier, he needs to learn the concept of a seam.

5. Blac Chyna, pointless celebrity and about to marry into the Kardashian family.

WTF is going to go out on a limb here and suggest that those tits are not real. She looks like an uncooked (and overstuffed) sausage.

6. David Bailey, photographer, wearing who knows what. 

Yes, this is David Bailey, the world famous fashion photographer. Not an elderly tramp taking the air after a night in a cardboard box. And to make matters worse, he was on his way to the wedding of Jerry Hall and Rupert Murdoch. It is a wonder that they let him in.

7. Dencia, singer, wearing who knows what.

As WTF remarked at the time, this appears to be a sort of mobile toy tidy with crystal crotch. And someone has barfed on her boots.

8.  Lizzie Cundy, pointless celebrity, wearing CC Couture by Claudia Croazzo.

As if it were not bad enough to be both ubiquitous and pointless, Lizzie compounded matters by wearing this hideous flash-fest to the Asian Awards, thus adding cultural insensitivity to her continuing crimes against fashion.

9. Gwyneth Paltrow, actress, wearing Emilia Wickstead. 

Proof positive that you can be covered up from head to toe and still make the Summer Stinker shortlist. Basically, this is a giant baby grow that clings in all the wrong places.

10. Hailee Steinfeld, actress, wearing Rodarte.

The good news is that Hailee is wearing panties. The bad news is that Readers gave themselves a heart attack trying to work out whether she was wearing them or not. 

11. James Goldstein, billionaire, wearing who knows what, save that it is designer.

He looks a prat. The adage “more money than sense” made flesh.

12. Kim Kardashian, pointless celebrity, wearing Spanx. Lots of Spanx.

WTF has said this before and she will say it again. You are supposed to wear Spanx under your clothes, not as clothes. And certainly not under a pile of very dead animal.

13. Madonna wearing Givenchy to the Met Gala.

Yes, it’s on show again. Madonna is unable to venture out of doors without flashing her bum. WTF’s only comfort is that the thong harness looks fiendishly uncomfortable. 

14. Mutya Bueno, singer, wearing who knows what.

Whatever Mutya is wearing, there is not enough of it. And the tattoos are just plain bloody ugly.

15. and 16. Designer Pam Hogg (right) and model Sadie Pinn, (left) model, both presumably wearing Pam Hogg. You can vote for each of them separately.

Pam and Sadie look as if they are on their way to work – at a fetish club. WTF is not even sure whether Sadie’s outfit actually counts as an outfit at all but it serves as a reminder not to wax just before you go out because she looks like a plucked turkey with freezer burn. 

17. Shawn Everett, sound producer, wearing who knows what.

Shawn won a Grammy for sound production but will he also win the coveted Summer Stinker for this preposterous getup? He looks as if engineered from the various parts of a hippie, an Amish, a psychedelic schoolgirl and a lumberjack.

18.  Z LaLa, electro-singer, wearing a bell.

How do you sit down in this? How do you pee? How mad do you have to be to wear this outfit? Z LaLa specialises in novelty costumes for Music Awards Red Carpets but she seems to have excelled herself here….

OK Readers, now that you have made your selection or selections, off you go! Get voting! The blog will resume normal service again next Friday, where we will consider the results both of this Poll and that other Poll thing that took place this week – you know the Euro-thingy….. be good x

Hallo Readers,

Here is where we are. England and Wales voted to leave the EU whilst Scotland and Northern Ireland voted to remain and may well break away, leaving two little countries going it alone. The EU is incredulous, angry and vengeful. The Prime Minister has resigned but will stay in office until September pending the election of his successor, a lame duck on full pay and refusing to become involved in the divorce negotiations. This of course begs the question why is he still there? Boris Johnson, his apparent successor, had knifed Cameron by declaring his intention to campaign for Leave, giving his mate less than an hour’s notice. Now Johnson was knifed in similar fashion by his friend and leave campaigner, Michael Gove, told only hours before the deadline that he had lost his support. Gove now enjoys the dubious distinction of having betrayed two of his oldest friends, the present and the putative Prime Minister, a bespectacled dagger-wielding octopus. Johnson had no option but to change the punchline of his speech and withdraw. His supporters, who had spent the last 3 days touring radio and TV studios extolling his virtues, were left in shock, gaping like fishes whilst the member of the St John’s Ambulance Brigade threw blankets over them and offered them warm tea. Gove, whose treachery is positively Shakespearian, may have been prompted into action when he failed to secure the promise of Chancellor in Johnson’s cabinet – like Richard 111, perhaps Boris was “not in the giving vein”. Or he might have been tempted by his horrible wife, Sarah Vine, a “journalist” on the Daily Mail, who seemed to think that her employer would support her husband’s bid for the top job. If so, they have been both soundly punished for their perfidy because the Daily Mail came out this morning for the new front runner, Teresa May. 

Johnson and Gove ran a disgusting campaign. They promised £350m a week for the NHS, supposedly sums presently going into the Euro-coffers. Since then, they have admitted £350m was the wrong figure. They pooh-poohed all the experts who warned of financial meltdown whilst offering no forecast of their own. In fact, like Blair and Bush in Iraq, they could plan a victory but they had no idea of what to do with it afterwards. They stirred up hatred against migrants whilst affecting to be superior to the rabble-rousing Nigel Farage, whom they kept off their Battle Bus. They spoke of marauding Albanians and gazillions of Turks poised to destroy our way of life. And when, in the aftermath of the result, proud Englishmen approached foreigners in the street and told them to go home, even when some of those foreigners were not European at all, and many of whom held British passports or were born here, they said and did nothing to stop it, unwilling to condemn the conduct they had provoked.

Meanwhile some morons bleat that they never meant us to leave and only voted in inchoate protest or because they never thought Leave would actually win or that it meant Leave. WTF’s desire to line them up, slap them hard and then disenfranchise them for ever increased throughout the week. And for those young persons who whinge that their generation has been betrayed whilst not actually bothering to go out and vote themselves. People died to get the vote. This was the most important decision of our time and they fucked about with it. 

The irony is that May, although nominally Remain, was virtually invisible throughout the campaign, keeping her head down and awaiting her moment. Meanwhile, Jeremy Corbyn, who did not do enough but was a damn sight more visible than May, was criticised by one and all for his lack of enthusiasm (WTF included), which was then used as the stick with which to try and poke him from office. On Sunday and Monday, virtually his whole Shadow Cabinet resigned in hourly slots, like Inter City Trains, people of whom you had never heard, doing jobs you did not know even existed, nonentities enjoying their five minutes of fame to be replaced by other nonentities of equal obscurity but even less experience. Despite losing a vote of no confidence, he remains in place, clinging to power like shit to a blanket, whilst the Unions and his remaining supporters outside the Parliamentary Party threaten his opponents with retribution and deselection. It could not be more unedifying. But the fact is that Corbyn was always unelectable as Prime Minister and he still enjoys the support of his party outside Westminster. There must have been a better way of ousting a fundamentally decent man who now resembles a wounded labrador.

So welcome to Brexit. Government in uproar. Opposition in meltdown. Economy in the toilet. Racists roaming the streets.

This precious stone set in a silver sea

which serves it in the office of a wall,

or a moat defensive to a house,

against the envy of less happier lands,

this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England.

***************************************

Let us cheer ourselves up with a dip into the week’s clothing cesspool with singer and back-again X Factor judge, Nicole Scherzinger wearing Ellery.

There is an awful lot of fabric here, Ninja Warrior meets Harrods’ bedding department, held together with giant sneaker laces and set off with a turd topknot.

Now to a WTF regular, actor Robert Downey Jnr. Whatever he is wearing, he should not be wearing it.

What are those trousers? What are those boots? What is occurring?

This is Games of Thrones’ Sophie Turner, aka Sansa Stark, wearing Louis Vuitton.

For reasons which are entirely unclear to WTF, Sophie is dressed as a sheep and more ludicrous boots.  Baaaa…..

Another WTF regular and diva de luxe, Mariah Carey, wearing not nearly enough.

The good news is that she looks happy. The bad news is that she looks as if she is off to walk the streets. And wearing shiny tights UNDER stockings and suspenders is the ultimate sartorial pricktease.

Meet designers Vin and Omi at the premiere of Absolutely Fabulous – The Movie.

WTF used to run a feature about designers under the rubric “Physician – Heal Thyself”. These doctors are in need of urgent medical attention. Whatever is going on with Vin’s sleeves, they are very silly.

To the BET (Black Entertainment Television) Awards 2016, where a variety of eyeball-assaulting horror was to be found in bucketfuls, as it always is. We start with singer Tinashe wearing Phillipe Plein.

Including of course the now-mandatory arse…..

BORING!!!!! Next….

Here is actor Orlando Jones, looking very colourful.

That is colourful as in Pantone colour chart. Black sunglasses. Blue jacket. Green shirt. Tomato red trousers (with a very lamentable fit).  Brown shoes. All that is missing the vomit yellow emanating from appalled onlookers….

Finally, we have rapper Remy Ma, wearing not much dress and Giuseppe Zanotti sandals. Brace yourselves…. THIS IS BAD!!!!

Remy spent time in prison for her involvement in a shooting. Frankly, she deserves another spell inside for inflicting this shockingness upon us – without the possibility of parole. Those tits are making a break for freedom and are pretty much over the fence, there is a Minge Moment waiting to happen and the whole thing is just terribly, terribly, terrible.  Including the $$$$ sandals.

And now the winner of the WTF Summer Stinker Poll 2016…..

Drumroll…….

Sound producer Shawn Everett!!!

Shawn pitched up at the Grammys in this extraordinary ensemble. He moved into the lead over the weekend and stayed there until the end, a worthy winner. Pointless celebrity and Kardashian-to-be Blac Chyna and model Sadie Pinn fought to the finish for second and third place with Kim Kardashian in fourth.

Hallo Readers,

Well, Michael Gove, let that be a lesson for you. No-one likes a turncoat. No-one likes a back-stabber, or for that matter, a front-stabber. No-one likes a double back-stabber, or for that matter, a double front-stabber. No-one likes a candidate whose campaign manager sends out manipulative emails about one of your rivals, urging people to vote against her. Not even in the Tory Party. Your piece has been removed from the Board. You actually got fewer votes in the second round for Leader of the Tory Party (and therefore Prime Minister) than you did in the first round. No-one likes you. Or your horrible wife with her delusions of grandeur. You have both been aptly punished for your duplicity and a period of silence on your part will be very welcome.

Which leaves two final competitors, Theresa May, the long-term Home Secretary and Andrea Leadsom, who has only been an MP since 2010, who has bolted out of nowhere and is not even in the Cabinet. May was nominally a Remainer, although she did precious little to convey it to the populace. Leadsom was an open Leaver which raised her profile, although to be fair, her profile was pretty subterranean before the Referendum campaign.  May exudes experience. Leadsom’s CV claimed a great deal of experience in her 25-year career in investment banking, much of which appears to be, to say the very least, exaggerated. She claimed to have been a Financial Investment Director for Barclays. She was not. She was a Deputy. She claimed to have been Managing Director of her brother-in-law’s hedge fund. She was not. She was the Marketing Director. She claimed to have been an investment manager for a fund management firm for 10 years. In fact she held an investment licence for only 3 months, which means that she was not an investment manager for the other 9 years and 9 months. She and Grant Shapps must have got on like a house on fire. Admittedly truth is not a prized asset in British political life – £350m a week on the Health Service post-Brexit, anyone? Or impending World War Three post-Brexit? – but if the future Prime Minister cannot be straightforward about her past, it does raise questions about her stewardship of the future. To WTF anyway.

WTF is not a fan of either candidate but Leadsom is just scary, a humourless automaton who has been told to smile, an opponent of gay marriage, a proponent of abolishing maternity rights for employees in small business, a woman who looked her interviewer in the eye and said of the (inevitable) fall in sterling against the dollar to an almost record low, that it was good for exports. The fact that Leadsom is pro-Brexit is not of itself enough to qualify her as Prime Minister.  But just as Corbyn has lost most of his Parliamentary colleagues but is loved in the wider Party, it could be that Leadsom is loved in the wider Party even though most of her Parliamentary colleagues prefer her opponent. She will play well in the shires. Although how the hell do the supporters of someone who has bigged up her credentials as a top City Slicker claim that she is the anti-establishment candidate? Just when you feel that politics could not get any sillier…..

So is WTF agog with excitement that Britain is to have a second female PM? No. Why should she be? We have already had one, Heaven help us. And look how that turned out. Neither strikes WTF as a feminist. We will know that we have achieved equality when no-one remarks on the gender of the PM but rather on what they believe and on what they do.

***********************************

We dive headlong into the week’s sartorial slurry with WTF’s favourite Z Lister, Lizzie Cundy at the premiere of The Legend of Tarzan wearing CC Couture.

Three words – Des. Per. Rate. Three more words. Shit fake tan. Final three words. Just go away.

This is WWE wrestler, actor and American TV personality John Cena wearing a lot of checked fabric.

It is not just that the checked suit is as lairy as anything WTF ever did see in her life but that the trousers are folded over the crotch like a penis peplum. Yurgle.

Here is rapper Lil Kim wearing Ralph & Russo at their haute couture show in Paris.

Lil’ Kim is weird, we know, but shimmering pantyhose with a swimsuit and fuck-me sandals is another thing altogether. The coat is very pretty. But it needs something underneath it. Like clothes.

This is former Cabinet Minister and TV pundit Michael Portillo, wearing something painful to the eyeballs.

Twitter erupted last Thursday when Michael appeared on the late night political discussion programme This Week dressed in a neon green shirt and a pair of red trousers the same colour as the sofa he was sat upon. It was variously suggested that he resembled a watermelon, a Christmas elf, a garden gnome and a tropical fruit but all were unanimous that (i) he looked like a total prat and (ii) he was giving viewers a migraine. 

Now, pointless celebrity heiress and DJ, Paris Hilton in Ibiza.

Paris seems to have re-invented the concept of the Golden Shower. WTF has been having nightmares about this one….

Then there is Orange Is The New Black‘s Danielle Brooks, aka Taystee, wearing PLY.

This season’s OITNB was brilliant (Taystee, Tovah and Poussey particularly so) and WTF loves Danielle like anything but she does not love her enough to want to see her bra. She looks as if she has pulled a pair of tights over her head….

This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Helen who complains about the ridiculous stripy effect of too much highlighter. Her rant needs no editing. The awful sequel to last year’s trend for Picasso-esque contouring. Bad enough that Instagram is now full of people making themselves up like a Cullen,**  it is now appearing in real life. Girls everywhere who have covered their entire faces with too much gleaming mica, only to look like sweaty, iridescent waxworks. Your face is not a disco ball. Less is more.

** (an immortal vampire)

Hallo Readers,

WTF is angry. Correction. WTF is boiling bloody mad. She has been boiling bloody mad since the Referendum result and every day increases her fury as the country lurches from one farce to another. And it is like snakes and ladders. There seemed a ray of hope when Boris Johnson got shafted by his mate Michael Gove and another when Gove was in turn shafted by fellow Tory MPs and his piece removed from the board.  On Friday night, Andrea Loathsome stuck the knife into Theresa May, intimating to The Times that because she had little Loathsomes, she had a bigger stake in the future of Britain than her childless rival. WTF, who has no children, went to bed in a towering rage. Loathsome claimed to have been stitched up, only to be confounded by both a transcript and a tape showing that she had said exactly what had been reported, but with more poison. It was only a matter of time before she threw in the towel, which she did on Monday with the additional bonus that her backer Iain Duncan-Smith, who had made an arse of himself all weekend muttering about smears and dark forces, had to stand by her with a face like thunder whilst she bowed out, pretending she was doing so for the sake of party unity and not because she has been exposed, yet again, as a liar.

There was more cheer on Saturday when Welsh Godbotherer Stephen Crabb was turned over for sexting a woman who was not Mrs Crabb. WTF suspects that the Good Book does not advocate telling strange women that you would like to lick them all over. Nothing like a bit of schadenfreude to raise the spirits. Things were looking up.

Come Wednesday, Cameron was forced to do an early perp walk of shame along Downing Street whilst May moved into no 10 with reassuring words to those just scraping by on their salary, promising them she had their back. But within hours came the astonishing news that Johnson had been appointed Foreign Secretary, the equivalent of asking Casanova to mind your girlfriend.  World Leaders laughed uproariously, then realised it was not a joke and reached for the smelling salts. Boris! The man who referred to “piccaninnies” with “watermelon smiles”. Boris! The man who made up a poem about the President of Turkey using the word “wanker” and suggesting that he had sex with goats. Liam Fox was also exhumed and made Secretary of State for International Trade, the man who had to resign after he took his young friend abroad with him when Defence Secretary. WTF went to bed anticipating waking up to the news that Sir Philip Green had been made Secretary of State for Pensions.

On Thursday, May transformed into Ming the Merciless. Things again seemed to be improving. Tossers were tossed overboard, Osborne and Gove and Whittingdale and Letwin and Nicky Moron, the Education Secretary with the intellect of a piece of chalk. Crabb let it be known that he was stepping away from Cabinet to spend less time with his iPhone. But then it emerged that Jeremy Hunt was still there to destroy the NHS, the idiot Priti Patel had been promoted into the Cabinet and Loathsome had also been promoted to Environment Secretary. 

Meanwhile, the Labour Party continues to implode. Cometh the hour, cometh the cockup. Corbyn is still in, although 80% of his MPs want him out. His supporters resemble Moonies, damning his critics as Blairites and plotters as if those were the only reasons you would want to replace an unelectable Leader unable to Lead. When Angela Eagle (finally) challenged his leadership, she had bricks thrown through her window, death threats and vile homophobic abuse. Owen Smith, a President Hollande lookalikey of whom nobody had ever heard, has now also declared his candidacy, splitting the anti-Corbyn vote. Smith was (like Loathsome) only elected in 2010, told Welsh Nationalist MP Leanne Wood that she was only on TV so much because she was a woman and is pretending that he has only just decided to stand, although John Mann MP says Smith approached him 6 months ago for his support. Smith is obviously the Labour equivalent of Loathsome  – deluded and more than a little unreliable.  The National Executive decided that Corbyn could stand without the minimum nominations required of his challengers, which is probably right. But it also changed the rules about who could vote, disenfranchising all the Moonie-men and Moonie-women and Union stooges who had paid their £3 since January so that they could vote for him. M’Learned Friends are on standby in a frenzy of anticipation.

We have a joke as Foreign Secretary. His first full day in the job and he is the man called upon to comment and commiserate on the dead bodies lying all over the Promenade des Anglais, to commiserate with a nation whose Foreign Minister had attacked him as a liar only hours earlier. We have an Environment Secretary who does not believe in Climate Change. We have no Opposition, not even of any kind. We have death threats issued against Corbyn’s challengers. It appears that many of his supporters do not regard winning an election as of any importance.  I mean why would you want to get elected and try and change things rather than just talking to your adoring acolytes?

************************************

We start our review of the week’s fashion feculence at Wimbledon, where singer Sir Cliff Richard  was wearing another one of his foul jackets.

Admittedly Sir Cliffed is Miffed. He had child sex allegations hanging over his (nonsensically orange) head for two years and his house was raided by South Yorkshire police, broadcast live on the BBC. Nevertheless, there is simply no excuse for this getup, even if he was supporting Andy Murray. The jacket is appalling, made more so by the red tie-and-belt combo and the jazz hands pose.

Next up, we have TV person Lisa Snowdon at the premiere of Jason Bourne, wearing Emilio Pucci.

It is certainly very colourful. In the way that psychedelic vomit is colourful, i.e. not in a good way.

This is actress Kristen Stewart at the premiere of her new movie Equals, wearing Jonathan Simkhai. 

This is a prime example of what WTF calls Badger’s Bum hair and it is to be deplored. Meanwhile, we are all SO TIRED OF SHEER but still it comes at us whilst we shake our fists in its direction and cry “No More! Get Thee Gone” and other such. This version comes with its own minge shield and a froufrou flounce.

Welcome back, hardy perennial singer Steven Tyler, wearing lots off horrible things made yet more horrible by their being worn together.

Steven seems to have raided a skip. With disastrous results.

Here is Abi Clarke off TOWIE, wearing not nearly enough.

Yurgle.

Again I say Yurgle. Put your arse away, love. We’ve all seen it.

And this is no better. I refer to Orange Is The New Black actress Dascha Polanko at a Hip Hop Honors Event, wearing Marco Hall. 

Last week, WTF aficionado Pamela Timms, aka @eatanddust, took WTF to task for including Danielle Brooks aka Taystee in the blog. Pamela’s view, expressed with vigour, was that Taystee is so wonderful that no criticism was acceptable, even when her (Danielle’s) bra was on show and she was being Danielle and not Taystee. WTF is unsure whether Pamela feels the same about Dascha’s character Dayanara but even if she does, her love would have to be unstinting, bordering on obsessive, to tolerate this horror show, which manages simultaneously to be tasteless and unflattering.

Finally, we have professional wrestler Danielle Moinet, aka Summer Rae, at the ESPYs (Excellence in Sports Performance Yearly Awards), wearing who knows that. Careful now…..

This week’s It’s Got To Go is directed at morons busily tweeting gory film footage of the dead and dying in the Nice attacks. What the actual fuck? Are people now unable to distinguish between games and reality?  Are they so desensitised? What kudos can be obtained from distributing a snuff movie? Is there just no respect or decency left any more?  Obviously not.

Hallo Readers,

This week, WTF forked out £25 to join the Labour Party (actually rejoin, she was a member many years ago, then lapsed), for the sole purpose of voting out Jeremy Corbyn. The truth? She is uneasy. The National Executive Committee ruled that £3 members who had been members for less than 6 months were not automatically eligible to vote. Instead, there would be a 2 -day window when anyone could join for £25 and be eligible. The whole idea of opening a 2-day window for middle-class tossers, of whom WTF is certainly one, to clamber through, waving a wedge of notes like an Oxbridge Loadsamoney, is tricky. Look at me! I’ve got £25! You’ve only got £3! You have been a member for 3 months and I have been a member for 3 days but hey! I’ve got  the financial wherewithal! I get to vote! You don’t!

But, Readers, this is what we have been reduced to. Flash your debit card or live with Corbyn. Try to buy a new Leader, even if it is Owen Smith, the President Hollande lookalikey who bolted out of nowhere to emerge as the “unity” challenger. WTF would have preferred Angela Eagle on the grounds that (i) she is smart (ii) she has experience and (iii) she is not slick and smarmy. But her piece has been removed from the Board, despite her having the guts to launch the challenge in the first place and so the choice is stark – Corbyn or Smith. Stick or fight.

Corbyn is a decent man but he ain’t no leader. He cannot persuade his own MPs to rally around him. He cannot staff his Shadow Cabinet. If he wins in September, he still will not be able to staff his Shadow Cabinet. Anyone who opposes him is dubbed a Blairite or a traitor by the Moonie-men and Moonie-women who worship him and who take to social media threatening de-selection and expulsion for non-believers with a fervour that would have the Comintern drooling.  On Tuesday, one Corbynista, who has 18,900 followers, wanted Newsnight’s Evan Davies prosecuted for failing to accord Corbyn equal exposure that night to those criticising him. WTF was unaware that Parliament had enacted a law imposing prison for disrespecting Jezza but she has been busy of late and must have missed it…..

Yes, Labour has won bye-elections and Council seats. They should. The Opposition is supposed to do well in them. Sadiq Khan won the London Mayor election whilst jerking as far from Corbyn as possible. Yes, Corbyn was democratically elected and by a large majority within the Party. But he has since proved that he is not up to the job. He cannot command his colleagues. He cannot hold the Prime Minister to account in PMQs. He goes missing when it matters. When he makes a political pronouncement, he fluffs it. 2 hours after the Brexit result, he announced that Britain should immediately trigger Article 50, signalling our intention to withdraw. A month later, he admitted to Evan Davies on Newsnight that “perhaps I expressed myself badly”.  When it was rather important to express himself well. 

This is the sort of incompetence that has driven WTF to fork out her £25. It probably will not make a difference. Corbyn will win the vote and Labour will slip further and further back. The point is not to speak to those who adore you. The point is to speak to those who do not adore you but whom you need to persuade that you can run the bloody country. Not only can Corby not do that, he shows no interest in doing that. The Moonie-men and Moonie-women clearly believe that it is more important to be anti-austerity and anti everything nasty and horrid than to form a Government. Many are too young to remember 18 years of Margaret Thatcher and John Major whilst Party members fought like ferrets in a sack. Maybe they are cool with Angela Eagle unable to hold her surgeries because of threats of physical violence against her. But WTF is not. So she will hold her nose and jump in. Because this is what failure looks like.

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We start our review of the week’s sartorial stools with skier Lindsey Vonn wearing WTF bugbear, Minge Maestro Michael Costello.

It’s the seam. That central seam like one enormous slit. Once seen, it cannot be unseen. Or unseam. Oh Lord. 

Next up, we have singer Rita Ora wearing Philipp Plein. We have not seen Rita here for quite a while.

Here’s the thing. If you have to shield your lady areas when disembarking, your dress, not that it is a dress, is too short. Fact.

Actress Kristen Stewart is back for a second week running, this time wearing Chanel.

Kristen. This is SO not your dress. If it belongs anywhere at all – a proposition  not without its controversy – it belongs on a lampshade. It does not go with your hair, it does not go with your face, it does not go with your shoes and it does not belong on an adult. And by your expression, it is clear that you already know this.

Here is another old favourite, actor Jared Leto wearing Gucci.

The jeans are a health hazard and the footwear reminds WTF of her dad in his jim jams, dressing gown and slippers cutting the front lawn on a Sunday morning (to the great disapprobation of the neighbours). The teeshirt passes muster but the satin bomber jacket is one trend WTF is not pleased to see again. And it is all by Gucci and therefore horribly expensive. File under “how to piss your money away”.

This is excellent actress Maria Bello wearing very terrible trousers by Greg Lauren, nephew of Ralph.

WTF can say with some confidence that these are amongst the very worst trousers that she ever did see in her life, a most unwelcome blend of manky old jeans and ever mankier old long johns. Just looking at them makes you want to scrub yourself with a brillo pad. Whatever Maria was paid to wear this excrescence, it was not enough.

Meet singer Larissa Eddie at the Revlon Choose Love Ball at the Victoria & Albert Museum wearing who knows what. Mind how you go now…..

On a trapeze artiste, yes. On anyone else, no. Stand by for the mandatory arse….

I bet it really hurts to sit down…..

You think that she has reached the nadir. And then she goes yet further down….Yes. It’s Kim Kardashian.

The front view is worse…

This week’s It’s Got To Go has been suggested (separately) by WTF aficionados Ben from Bromley and Caroline from Lancaster, namely President Hollande’s hairdressing bill. Despite François being follicly challenged, (as well as sexually incontinent), the French Republic is paying one Olivier B €10,000 A MONTH to keep the Presidential pate in prime condition. Oh, and he gets a housing allowance and “other benefits”. This apparently is so that he can be on call 24 hours a day. To do what? Apply a slug of hair dye and tousle the tufty thing on the top of Hollande’s head?

Olivier’s efforts are not €120,000-worth of anyone’s money. Frankly, never was so much expended for so little result. David Cameron gave his barber an MBE but at least he paid for his own haircut. It’s Got To Go.

Hallo Readers,

This blog is dedicated to my beloved friend Barbara, who died suddenly a year ago and is very much missed.

WTF kept hoping that Donald Trump’s presidential bid was a giant hoax, like Orson Welles’ War of the Worlds broadcast or the time when Joaquin Phoenix pretended to go off his rocker or when England were expected to beat Iceland and progress to the Quarter Finals of the Euros. Sadly, however, it appears to be true. The Donald wants to be President of the United States and there is seems to be a good chance that he will be. Whereupon we will all be done for.

Trump is going to refuse Muslims entry to the US. Which Muslims? All Muslims? The latest version is that this will apply to Moslems “from nations tied to Islamic terror”. Does that include France and Germany? He is going to build a wall along the US/Mexican border (a total of 1,989 miles) and make Mexico pay for it. That is a lot of bricks and a lot of manpower, a sort of racist New Deal. Quite how he intends to collect the cost from Mexico is unclear. Is he going to send in the bailiffs? He is singlehandedly going to bring back 4 million manufacturing jobs whilst simultaneously cutting taxes (the top 0.1% of taxpayers will get more tax relief than the bottom 60% combined, but hey, this is Trumponomics). He is going to take ISIS oil, using ground troops – Presidents Assad and Putin will be thrilled. And this week he invited Putin to hack further into the State Department computer to retrieve damning emails from his rival Hillary Clinton. He does know that Putin is President of Russia, right? The Donald has said “I don’t know anything about him other than he will respect me”. Trump has played the celebrity bigmouth for so long and with such success that he seems to view the Presidency of the US as just another reality show. If it sounds good, say it. If it sounds bad, say it anyway. Then deny you said it. Or just say something else. Appeal to the baser instincts of the American people. Compound their ignorance with yours. And you know what, Readers? It seems to be working.

Trump has been lucky, though. His Democrat opponent is Hillary Clinton. And Clinton has been lucky. Her Republican opponent is Donald Trump. America has been unlucky because it has to choose between them.

It has to be said that Hillary is hard to love. Or even to like. She is glacial. She is calculating. Her voice is like the sound of nails down a blackboard. She is no orator. She is decidedly dodgy, scandal sticking to her like burrs to a picnic blanket, albeit she has been demonised beyond measure by the Republican machine and Trump in particular.  Still, the whole primary process this time was heavily slanted in her favour. If Sanders did so well on a skewed process, how would he have done on a properly conducted one? She avoided prosecution for using her own email account whilst she was Secretary of State but she was found to have been less than honest in her answers to the FBI and despite asserting that she had cooperated with the investigation, 3,000 emails were deleted. A recent poll showed that 68% of citizens think she is dishonest and do not trust her, whereas only 43% think the same of Trump. The Washington Post adroitly observed that “what the Clintons lack in a sense of shame, they make up for in an air of entitlement”. It is this sort of high-handed elitism that drove voters to favour Trump and Sanders in an attempt to get something new and fresh – not to mention Brexit over here. But let us not go there, this week anyway. Sanders was fresh. Trump is rancid.

Still, WTF, with no dog in the fight, would rather have someone dodgy but competent to someone dangerously reckless and unwilling to listen to anyone. Last night, Tina Brown quoted an unnamed Republican senator as saying, “Hillary has baggage but Donald is crazy….and you can’t fix crazy”. Quite.

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We start our review of the week’s fashion fecal matter with actress Lauren Cohan at Comic-Con, wearing who knows what….

This is a re-styled duvet cover but she forgot to take the buttons off.

Next up, we have actress Margot Robbie wearing Monse.

More Monsense. Do stop. She looks as if she has been mugged in her trench coat, the thieves tore the sleeves off and then legged it. Rather like Monse.

Actress/heiress/somethingorotheress Tori Spelling at a fundraiser in LA, wearing her dress backwards.

Clarification. Either the dress is on backwards or her torso is. Either way it is just terribly, terribly terrible, Doily Woman made flesh.

Now we have actress Dania Ramirez at the premiere of Bad Moms, wearing Bad Clothes (i.e. a dress by House of Meena and boots by Lesilia).

Great body, great legs, lovely face, appalling outfit. Particularly the tit blindfold under the tuxedo capelet.

This is show-off model and WAG Abbey Clancy at her brother’s wedding in Mallorca, wearing WTF bugbear Julien Macdonald.

No, Abbey, no. You are not supposed to be the main attraction at someone else’s wedding. You are certainly not supposed to arrive at said wedding in your nightie. This is your brother’s wedding, for Heaven’s sake. However, your new sister-in-law will have found consolation in (i) those ridiculously pillowed lips and (ii) your burnt chest, which is positively radioactive.

The wiener Justin Bieber, wearing a load of old rubbish.

WTF is sorry to observe that Justin continues to look like a prat and she hates folded down dungarees almost above all things. These are particularly ridiculous, like a penis pinafore.

Finally, we have singer Jennifer Lopez at her birthday bash in Las Vegas, wearing Balmain.

Sorry. There is no question that she is hot as hell, but she looks like she has just rolled around in pigshit.

Hallo Readers,

Everyone was already very worked up by the Cameron Resignation Honours List, which was leaked to the Sunday Times last weekend. WTF certainly was. Regular Readers will know that she is a dogged opponent of the honours system. In the main, recipients fall into the following categories. (i) Arse-lickers political and/or mates with the PM and/or both (ii) Those whom Party Leaders need in the House of Lords to boost the numbers (iii) Civil servants, to go with their copper-bottomed, index-linked, fuck-off pensions (iv) Captains of Industry who have got the chequebook out and poured gold into Party coffers (v) Clapped out entertainers you thought had died and only realise they hadn’t when they get down on arthritic knees in front of HMQ and receive a knighthood. This gets embarrassing when they are later arrested for kiddy fiddling 30 years ago when they were in their pomp (vi) Sportspersons (vii) People who actually help the community through charitable work or doing a job for a pittance for decades, like school crossing patrollers. You know – proper people. And let us be clear. This is not just a Tory thing. The other parties are just as bad in ennobling and honouring their little mates and paymasters. 

Cameron, not content with demanding and getting six months’ severance pay for his bevy of special advisers, has now ensured that his mates and minions have been “honoured” in the Resignation Honours List. Mostly for cocking up, like the Remain Campaigners. Some are made Lords, like his Chief of Staff. Some are given knighthoods, like serial failure Oliver Letwin, a man who would not recognise the right decision if it pissed in his eye. George Osborne, who did as much as anyone to lose the campaign with his ridiculous threats of financial wipeout and the coming of the 10 plagues, is made a Companion of Honour. Samantha Cameron’s stylist/PA/diary keeper, Isabel Spearman, who received £60,000 from the public purse, has the Order of the British Empire for services to politics. She did better than Dave’s barber, Lino Carbosiero, who 2 years ago only got an MBE for services to hairdressing.  

Ironically, the only person who actually deserves recognition in the list is Jeremy Corbyn’s sole nominee, Shami Chakrabarti, who spearheaded the fight for civil liberties for many years and is generally a Good Thing. But even that appointment has its difficulties. First, Corbyn said he would not support the appointment of peers, yet did so. Second, Chakrabarti chaired an enquiry into anti-semitism in the Labour Party and gave it generally a clean bill of health, only to be elevated to the Lords months later.  She has turned down peerages before and so WTF does not remotely believe that she whitewashed the result because she did not need to do so – she could have had one at any time she wanted one. But here is a WTF Rule. Even if it is not iffy, it makes no difference because it looks as it if could be, however unfair that is.

We have to put a stop to this nonsense. P.D.Q. Meanwhile Cameron is flaunting his pasty paunch in Corsica in his £250 swim trunks whilst waving 2 fingers at us all.  Don’t hurry back, Dave. You won’t be missed.

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We start our foray into the week’s fashion flotsam at the Maxim Hot 100 Party where a lot of celebs looked totally and utterly, shockingly, shite. They could have done with the attentions of Ms Spearman, as she could not have done a worse job than this lot achieved for themselves. We start with singer/songwriter/whatever RedOne (né Nadir Al-Khyat) looking like a right pillock.

WTF does not even know what this is supposed to be. He appears to be standing in an upturned terracotta double chimney.

Next, we have Spice Girl and TV personage Mel B, wearing who knows what.

Hands up those who want to see Mel B’s minge. No-one? Thought not…..

Also present was model Shaun Ross.

Shaun looks like an Amish postman whose trousers have had a serious argument with his ankles. It made a pleasant change from the amount of tawdry flesh on show elsewhere, but even so….

We now go to the Teen Choice Awards and young Scottish singer Tallia Storm, wearing Alfredo Villalba.

The good news is that Tallia has got rid of her ridiculous cottage-loaf hairstyle.  The bad news is that she has started dressing like an Abbey Clancy mini-me but without the legs to do it.  She looks like she has survived some sort of cataclysmic event.

Now this is upsetting. The fabulous, fashionable FLOTUS usually does not put a foot wrong. But this Brandon Maxwell thing constitutes not just one foot but both of them as well as her ankles, deep, deep, deep in a bucket of slurry.

She looks like a wrestler bursting out of a shroud. Have you ever seen anything so unflattering? The back is also very bad.

Are those trousers underneath the skirt? And the last time WTF saw shoulders like that, they were on Steven Segal and they looked better on him.

Ah! Our old friend Jared Leto at the premiere of Suicide Squad wearing Gucci. Of course he is.

WTF likes the coat and does not even mind the contrast with the pink trewsies. But not these pink trewsies. These have not so much had an argument with his ankles as actively filed for divorce. And white socks with black loafers?

To the premiere of Sharknado – the 4th Load of Old Crap and actress Tara Reid, wearing WTF bugbear and Minge Maestro, Michael Costello.

Tara seems to have been rolling around in glue and a load of dead pigeons. She is also displaying an unwarranted amount of flesh. The effect is deeply unsexy, like a barely-pubescent teenager playing dress up. As for the My Little Ponytail, it is to be deplored.

Finally, we happen upon Elton John out and about in Sardinia.

OMG. Another dose of leaf green, but unlike Jared’s coat, this is just horrible in every possible way. He resembles Hyacinth Bucket from Keeping Up Appearances reincarnated as a pudgy leprechaun in rascal trainers.

Elton! Have a word with yourself. Those trainers would look good on one of your young sons. You are 69. Trainers should not be worn with a shorts suit. And a shorts suit should not be worn at all.